that's not saying much, of course, but the change of scenery is nice—at least until he stands up and is promptly hit with the intense need to find... someone.
someone. who is he kidding? he knows exactly who it is.
the thing is, that person is gone. there's no point in looking for him; he's been dead for years. he knows this, he's painfully aware, but somehow it isn't enough—he keeps going, against all of his judgement, fumbling through the maze in search of something he already knows he's not going to find.
it feels unfair. this feeling he can't seem to beat into submission with the truth is sending him on a mission he can only fail—kind of like the one he just failed before coming here. there's a stabbing feeling of guilt and grief to go with everything he's already dealing with; what the hell is he doing here? he promised to—
it's getting cold in here, isn't it? he hadn't even noticed, pushing forward past dead end after dead end searching for a path that doesn't exist to a man that he'll never see again. but the hedges surrounding him are frosty now, and they seem to be freezing unnaturally fast—almost like it's a countdown and he's running out of time. he has to find him: the dead man who isn't here. he knows he can't, but he can't stop moving.
he's not good at this, though. he hates puzzles. that was more Erwin's territory. but Erwin is dead, and he's alone in here no matter what this bullshit instinct is telling him, and he's beginning to freeze.
all he can do is pull his cloak tighter around himself and keep going until he physically can't anymore. either he'll freeze to death or his heart will break all over again.
[ erwin doesn't understand shit about fuck when he wakes up. he's confused, and anxious, and memory starts filtering in very slowly because his head is a jumbled mess and the need to search for someone actually hits him while he's still disoriented enough that he's not sure who he is looking for until he's already been in the maze for some time and it hits him like a punch in the teeth.
it's funny, just how more quickly he searches once he realizes who it is he needs to find; he was already striding quickly through 'corridors' and around corners but now there's something actively frantic about it that makes sure he's never even able to slip back into an even keel as he comes more into his own head. the thoughts just compound the need to find levi even though he has no reason to expect him to be here because erwin is dead, and levi isn't dead, and this is some kind of afterlife, probably, one he didn't expect, but he doesn't have time to ruminate on it.
the cold is aching and making him feel even more weary but somehow it makes sense. he's dead, of course it's cold here. that and his uniform is fucked up because, he vividly remembers now, he got smashed by a giant fucking rock. boy that sucks. that's the logic he's holding on to as he keeps looking. at some point he tries to shove his hand through the brambles to cheat the system like he can pull levi from across a wall and manifest him in person but of course it doesn't work, it just makes his arm almost freeze solid at once and he yanks it back with a rough grunt.
guess not, then.
finally though, finally, when he's frustrated enough and aching enough and feeling weak emotionally enough that he can almost feel tears pricking his eyes that are going to freeze as soon as they roll down his face, he turns a corner.
he turns a corner and levi is there in front of him.
his breath catches in his throat and he finds the energy to surge forward and practically slam into him, awkward and stiff arm wrapping around him and clumsy fingers fisting in the back of his clothing.
he looks like shit: he's alive, and healed, but his uniform is wrecked and he's covered in his own fucking blood despite his blood all being back inside his body now for some reason, but that's not important. ]
Levi.
[ it's murmured, brittle like crackling frost starting to melt on grass in the morning sun, and he doesn't let go. ]
[ he's so cold and upset by the obvious trap he's been put into that he doesn't even parse what's happening until he hears Erwin's voice—and then he freezes for real.
he couldn't possibly mishear something like that. he knows that voice.
when he pushes back a little it's not out of anything except shock. the voice sounds right, but does the face look right? he has to see for himself, so he looks up at the other man, eyes wide with disbelief and something else he can't even identify.
it's him. it's actually him. how the fuck is this—
he shuts down. his brain, his reservations, his ability to stay one step ahead of an all-consuming grief just so he can keep going at all. he doesn't even have it in him to figure out what the hell is going on—how Erwin could possibly be here. later, assuming this isn't all part of the same trap.
instead, he just collapses back into him and sobs, and while he's still shivering he could not give less of a fuck about the cold. ]
[ erwin's grip tightens from even that slightest push back like he's desperate for levi to be the one that isn't going to disappear. but with levi looking up at him he looks back down and his gaze is so fucking desperate for--something.
comfort? maybe. companionship? sure. absolution? yeah, that one tracks.
then levi is crushed against him and he exhales shakingly and tucks in around him, body curving into a slight c shape to just lean over him like he can protect him from... whatever this is. Irreality, the weather, the trap-maze, whatever.
existence.
eventually though, he speaks again, hold on levi just as tight as when he'd started. ]
[ at a certain point it starts to seep in that what he's doing might not be appropriate, but he just doesn't have the strength to care right now. Erwin is holding him, too; maybe it's just out of relief, or because it's so cold, but it doesn't matter.
he's here. he's alive. how is he alive?
Levi's hand drops to Erwin's side, where he watched him slowly bleed out, and he chokes back another sob when all he feels is skin and fabric. his hand snaps back immediately as he realizes his fingers are quite literally freezing (and also that it is definitely inappropriate to be touching Erwin like that); when he looks down at his hand and it's mostly dry, he reaches up to touch his own face as if trying to confirm that this is reality.
it isn't until then that he realizes he's not sure what Erwin means. he looks back up at him again, face flushed red from the cold and definitely not from crying. ]
[ erwin is really the one that should be thinking about if things are appropriate or not since to him there hasn't been a moment's gap between 'i am this man's superior officer' and 'here i am grabbing him frantically in an icy maze' in his cognition but here he is, still not letting go because all he can focus on for a moment is the fact that they're both here at all.
the moment where levi investigates where erwin knows a wound was not that long ago makes him feel oddly dissonant but he manages to hold it together until levi looks at him and asks him that and he breathes out slow and shaking before he can even answer him.
when he does, he's still half-curled over him. desperation looks bad on him, probably. he's only two steps ahead of the 'i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead' panic now that he's stopped moving, after all. ]
That I was looking for. That I had to find. It's you.
[ his eyes sting. it's the cold, probably. except he's realizing now that it's not really that cold anymore: the frost is gone from the plants around them, and the air has far less of a bite to it, too. it's like finding Erwin just magically changed everything.
funny how that keeps happening.
he hastily rubs the tears from his eyes—again, not that he was crying, of course—but his other hand hasn't let go of Erwin the whole time. he should, he thinks, but he can't bring himself to do it. he's afraid of what might happen if he doesn't hold onto him. would he disappear? would that be any crazier than him being here in the first place?
no. he can't do it. ]
I'm sorry.
[ is he apologizing for not letting go of him? is he apologizing for letting him die? he doesn't even know. he's utterly overwhelmed with emotions he doesn't know how to express, or he doesn't think he can express. he feels like he's going to explode.
you know. figuratively. ]
I—
[ his voice cracks. his voice never cracks. he just keeps falling apart, right there in front of Erwin. Erwin, his closest friend, his superior. Erwin, who he loved so much he chose to let him go forever rather than see him suffer any longer in a world that didn't deserve him.
Erwin, who he has been mourning for four years. ]
—I was looking for you, too, but I never thought—
[ he never thought he'd find him. he never thought he'd even see his face ever again. he wants to just keep looking up at him, to make up for all the time he wasn't able to do so. he swallows hard, trying to pull his shit together, but when he speaks again he's quieter, like he knows he shouldn't be saying what he's going to say. ]
[ erwin is so hyper-focused on levi in front of him that he's not even registering the change in the temperature yet. maybe it's even more overwhelming than the situation itself to have the entirety of erwin's intensity directed at levi like that, in this particular way, but erwin wouldn't know, he's never been the recipient of it. he is roughened by just the situation on its own, and his voice has a reedy quality to it when he does finally speak again because even if he's not actively crying, he's fucking overwhelmed. ]
Don't apologize.
[ for anything.
levi's voice cracks and it just makes erwin tug him in closer against his chest so he can tuck his head in atop levi's and close his eyes to take a few shaking breaths. it hits him, all at once, the enormity of what levi is saying right now. he's a smart man and it doesn't take him long to figure out what this reaction actually means.
this isn't erwin's newly-dead panic, this is something else.
his brow furrows and he draws back just enough to look down into his face and something in his expression is strange, half-wrecked like he's not sure what to do with himself. ]
It's been a long time for you, hasn't it? [ soft. ] I'm sorry.
[ it's so hard to reconcile how it feels like he's crossing a line with how Erwin holding him like this just feels right. it's all he ever wanted, really—except in his wildest dreams Erwin knows how he feels, and in reality he never told him.
he has another chance now, but there's no way he could have prepared for anything like this. there are so many things he wants to say, but he's so overwhelmed by Erwin being here that when he opens his mouth it feels like it's just nonsense that comes out.
Erwin looks understandably broken already, anyway. he asks him if it's been a long time, and Levi can't even bring himself to tell him it's been four years. all he can do is nod. there's a drained, haunted look in his eyes; he probably looks like he's aged ten years since Erwin last saw him.
[ in many worlds and in many timelines, tales have been told of the red string of fate. it is a legend that seems to somehow surpass the boundaries of entire universes. everyone knows that the other end of the string is connected to their supposed soulmate.
well, that's not quite true. Levi doesn't know that because he didn't go to school or have normal friends, and honestly even if he did hear the theory behind it he would have immediately filed it under the "stupid shit that never happened" part of his brain and probably never thought about it again. there's no such thing as soulmates anyway, right?
he's a little less convinced these days.
anyway, none of that really matters because when he's sitting at home in their little burrow-house minding his own business one day and there's suddenly a red string tied to his little finger, he has zero idea what it means. what he does interpret it as is Fucking Annoying; he wants to get it off of him ASAP because he didn't put it there and that's just creepy.
but even more annoyingly, the string seems to be connected to something on the other end, and it leads out the front door. he doesn't really want to follow it, but for some reason he can't bring himself to go get the scissors—it's very important that he follows the string wherever it leads, and even though he knows at some level that it's a baseless compulsion, it's still a compulsion.
god damn it.
so out the front door he goes, cursing to himself once he sees the string stretches farther than he can even see. there's a nagging uncomfortable feeling because he didn't get to tell Erwin where he was going, but he can't bring himself to turn back now.
man. Erwin would never let himself get roped into something this stupid. ]
[ erwin's never believed in things like that. he believes in plenty of things, but not that. it just was never feasible because the only person he would have wanted on the other end was completely unobtainable.
but he's not now, is he?
much to think about.
that said, he's not actually thinking about that concept at all when he sees the red string around his finger, but he is pretty perturbed that he's got this intense pull dragging him on. he follows it, wondering why it's so intensely important when his priority has been entirely levi and he didn't even look for him to tell him he was going anywhere. levi is going to worry. levi always worries and erwin knows it, and he has good reason to, but something isn't letting him turn back.
as he travels through treacherous territory and increasingly bad weather, he feels a little of his own anxiety spiking. just a little, his own nagging uncomfortable feeling, and by the time he sees that he's being led to a shack in the snow that looks like it's barely being held up against the gales and snow, he has no idea what is going on.
then he gets close enough, steps inside, and there's another door on the other side and like it's some hilarious twist of fate, levi steps in at the same time.
oh.
well, it takes him a second to clock it but then he huffs a laugh of amused relief despite the encroaching cold. of course it's levi.
there's no one else it could possibly be, now that he's figured out what this is.
the blanket being so small is suspicious though. he doesn't know what's going on with that. but it doesn't matter at the moment because he's coming right up to levi and wrapping his arm around him, red string be damned, and tucking in against his hair. usual, like this stupid shit isn't happening to them right now. ]
[ Levi isn't dressed for this shit. it's just like the maze: the longer he walks, the colder it seems to get. why does this keep happening? why is this place so intent on turning him into a popsicle?
things he might be wondering if he knew what a popsicle was.
the shack looks an awful lot like the scene of past and/or future murders, which doesn't fill him with relief like a less sketchy-looking shelter would, but he's relatively confident he could take whoever or whatever might be in there waiting for him. he's not sure why this thread would be leading him into such a shitty scenario, but he's also not sure why the thread exists in the first place, so there are a lot of questions to be answered here.
and then, of course, when he steps inside, ready to face whatever danger awaits him, it's Erwin. why wouldn't it be?
it feels so silly and pointless for them to be brought together this way, but he embraces Erwin all the same, breathing out a sigh of relief. ]
Do you think whoever keeps doing this knows we fucking live together already? Do I need to write a letter or something?
[ there's a tremulous edge to his voice despite the attitude, like he's trying to cover up the fact that he's freezing his ass off. as usual, he's not doing a very good job. ]
[ it is very cold. and honestly, now that they're here he's not very surprised at all. levi's complaining even gets a little smile from him against his hair, voice low when he speaks. ]
They know we'd never leave without outside interference, so they take matters into their own hands I suppose.
[ he honestly doesn't sound too perturbed despite the shitty weather. maybe he's just happy with his company. imagine, someone that fucking excited to see levi ackerman.
he is fucking cold though, so he just kind of curves around levi before moving to sit against the wall and pull levi with him to share some warmth. it's fine. it'll be fine! ]
[ he's happy to burrow himself into Erwin, though as always he's far more concerned with Erwin's warmth than his own. another rare instance of him resenting his small size.
he does take a moment to compose a letter he'll never send in his head, though. ]
"To whom it may concern:"—that's how you start these things, right?—"Your attempts at matchmaking are no longer necessary or appreciated. Fuck off. Sincerely,"—and then I'd sign it. You don't have to sign it since you don't talk like that.
[ for some reason the blanket looks bigger. he's skeptical but accepts it for now because at least they can use it as a lap blanket now. cozy.
the proposed letter makes him snort though, hand sliding up to draw fingers through his hair. ]
No, no, I'll happily sign it, I fully agree with the sentiment. That said, all annoyance aside it's kind of flattering to have the universe so insistent on matching you with the person you already love.
[ levi, hopefully you're prepared for what's coming, because erwin just smiles, he just smiles and sighs playfully and it's so nice, isn't it, to have him sounding like this? alive, first off, and happy.
that's not the point, though. the point is: ]
You know even if they did, I'd still find you? No matter if they thought there should be someone else, anyone else that's ever been or ever will be, it's only you.
[ no matter how safe this place is relative to what they're used to, he'll probably never learn to completely relax when they're out and about. and maybe it's just as well, because they're definitely being followed right now.
at first he thinks he's just being paranoid, which is a new feeling for him—thinking he's wrong about being in danger rather than immediately knowing he's right. has he been letting his guard down too much here? it's so refreshingly peaceful. and maybe this is nothing—someone he can just deck and be done with it. and frankly, that's most people, so why does this feel so off?
he doesn't like it.
Erwin didn't have to grow up like he did, but Levi has a feeling he already knows, too. he gives Erwin's hand a squeeze just in case.
(they are holding hands, obviously.) ]
You know we're being followed.
[ his voice is low, though there's still enough distance between them and their pursuer that it's hard to make out any of their characteristics. it's not gonna matter what they look like after he beats the shit out of them, anyway. ]
[ erwin notices pretty quickly as well. he's confident enough that they can take on whoever it may be, but it's still slightly unsettling to be being followed. okay, more than slightly unsettling.
it gets more and more unsettling as time passes, frankly, and when levi squeezes his hand he hums a sound of acknowledgement and squeezes back.
by the time levi speaks he feels like the hairs on the back of his neck are sticking up, like a dog with its hackles raised.
he nods, quiet another moment before responding. ]
I do. I can't tell by what or who, though.
[ though their pursuer does seem to be getting slightly closer as every moment passes, which is quickly growing to be even more unsettling. ]
[ he shakes his head; he doesn't know, either, and he doesn't expect they'll find out until one of them acts. and hey, maybe he really is just being paranoid? maybe one of them dropped something and this is merely a good samaritan trying to return it?
yeah... probably not, though.
with his free hand slipping into the pocket where he keeps his knife, he slows down just a little, but in the end he doesn't have to because their pursuer is clearly speeding up as well—in the span of a few moments most of the remaining distance between them has been closed, and Levi whirls around, letting go of Erwin's hand only because he plans to step in front of him, whether this is a knife kind of scenario or not.
all Erwin has to do is blink, and everything changes.
their pursuer seems to have disappeared, and Levi is no longer by his side even if he was there half a second ago. instead, he's standing in front of Erwin, facing him now.
there's something in his eyes that Erwin never will have seen before—he's looking up at him, but it's like he doesn't know where he is or why he's there. like he's going into shock.
like something is very, very wrong.
slowly, he looks down at himself. his hands are clutching his abdomen. he removes one to look at it, and it's covered in his own blood.
[ things should be fine despite the strangeness, right? they both know what they're doing, it's only one person, they can take care of it if they have to.
he sees levi going for his knife out of the corner of his eye, going for his own once levi lets his hand go—but something is wrong, isn't it? that flash of time he doesn't understand, a single blink changing everything.
because sure, their pursuer is gone, but levi is too far away from him for that simple blink to have covered the movement, his face is holding something that makes erwin's chest tighten and heart rate ramp up too much too fast, but it only takes another blink for him to see levi bleeding.
he's bleeding a lot and it looks like it's from a place that's very grim.
as soon as levi stumbles erwin is there and it's hard to manage it but he wraps his arm around levi's waist to keep him upright and loops it around his front to put heavy pressure where the blood is coming from. it hurts, surely, but sometimes things we need hurt.
when erwin speaks, it's a little strained. ]
Levi? Levi, look at me.
[ he needs to keep levi focused. he needs to keep him present until he can get him somewhere and treat him.
[ he's lucid enough to continue to do as he's asked, grabbing hold of (and ruining, probably, what a shame) Erwin's coat with a bloody hand. he's never been very expressive, but Erwin has always been able to read him better than anyone.
even when it's something he almost never expresses, like regret. ]
—Sorry.
[ it's not clear what he's apologizing for, or if he even knows. what is clear is that he's somehow lost so much blood already that it almost seems exaggerated, like a nightmare.
[ normally erwin would clock the exaggerated amount instantly, really figure out what's going on quick, but the icy clench of fear in his chest is dragging him quickly toward, well, not being able to catch things like that at all.
it's such a foreign feeling, isn't it? to be so goddamn scared he actually can't think straight.
and then levi apologizes. ]
Don't apologize to me.
[ he exhales, shaking, and with levi's grip already weakening, it's all erwin can do to not try to hoist him up over his shoulder to bolt somewhere quick, but he knows that the jolt and journey will just make it worse.
is this all he has? fear, helplessness, and the regret in levi's eyes as he dies?
[ he looks a little more at peace with what's happening after Erwin tells him that. or maybe he's just lost the energy to frown? it's probably a little of both.
he leans forward to rest his head against Erwin's shoulder, like he wants to hold him so he won't be afraid but he doesn't have the strength so this is the best he can do.
after that, he's still.
there's a faint rustling sound coming from somewhere nearby, but who cares? it's probably just the wind. ]
[ murmured at the very end. and at least there's that. at least there's levi looking at peace as he goes. he wonders, despondently, if this is how levi had felt.
because it feels like his entire being has been ripped out of him.
for some time he just holds him, head ducked forward to hide his face in levi's hair, breath shaking with each inhale and exhale.
(if he were able to pay proper attention to notice it, their connections haven't actually been severed. but he's too alone, too frightened, too distraught to figure that out at the moment, something filling his whole head with a haze of fear and anguish.)
he hears the rustling behind him, but he doesn't pay it any mind.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ah shit here we go again (october tdm - cold as you)
that's not saying much, of course, but the change of scenery is nice—at least until he stands up and is promptly hit with the intense need to find... someone.
someone. who is he kidding? he knows exactly who it is.
the thing is, that person is gone. there's no point in looking for him; he's been dead for years. he knows this, he's painfully aware, but somehow it isn't enough—he keeps going, against all of his judgement, fumbling through the maze in search of something he already knows he's not going to find.
it feels unfair. this feeling he can't seem to beat into submission with the truth is sending him on a mission he can only fail—kind of like the one he just failed before coming here. there's a stabbing feeling of guilt and grief to go with everything he's already dealing with; what the hell is he doing here? he promised to—
it's getting cold in here, isn't it? he hadn't even noticed, pushing forward past dead end after dead end searching for a path that doesn't exist to a man that he'll never see again. but the hedges surrounding him are frosty now, and they seem to be freezing unnaturally fast—almost like it's a countdown and he's running out of time. he has to find him: the dead man who isn't here. he knows he can't, but he can't stop moving.
he's not good at this, though. he hates puzzles. that was more Erwin's territory. but Erwin is dead, and he's alone in here no matter what this bullshit instinct is telling him, and he's beginning to freeze.
all he can do is pull his cloak tighter around himself and keep going until he physically can't anymore. either he'll freeze to death or his heart will break all over again.
either way, it's just another failure. ]
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it's funny, just how more quickly he searches once he realizes who it is he needs to find; he was already striding quickly through 'corridors' and around corners but now there's something actively frantic about it that makes sure he's never even able to slip back into an even keel as he comes more into his own head. the thoughts just compound the need to find levi even though he has no reason to expect him to be here because erwin is dead, and levi isn't dead, and this is some kind of afterlife, probably, one he didn't expect, but he doesn't have time to ruminate on it.
the cold is aching and making him feel even more weary but somehow it makes sense. he's dead, of course it's cold here. that and his uniform is fucked up because, he vividly remembers now, he got smashed by a giant fucking rock. boy that sucks. that's the logic he's holding on to as he keeps looking. at some point he tries to shove his hand through the brambles to cheat the system like he can pull levi from across a wall and manifest him in person but of course it doesn't work, it just makes his arm almost freeze solid at once and he yanks it back with a rough grunt.
guess not, then.
finally though, finally, when he's frustrated enough and aching enough and feeling weak emotionally enough that he can almost feel tears pricking his eyes that are going to freeze as soon as they roll down his face, he turns a corner.
he turns a corner and levi is there in front of him.
his breath catches in his throat and he finds the energy to surge forward and practically slam into him, awkward and stiff arm wrapping around him and clumsy fingers fisting in the back of his clothing.
he looks like shit: he's alive, and healed, but his uniform is wrecked and he's covered in his own fucking blood despite his blood all being back inside his body now for some reason, but that's not important. ]
Levi.
[ it's murmured, brittle like crackling frost starting to melt on grass in the morning sun, and he doesn't let go. ]
no subject
he couldn't possibly mishear something like that. he knows that voice.
when he pushes back a little it's not out of anything except shock. the voice sounds right, but does the face look right? he has to see for himself, so he looks up at the other man, eyes wide with disbelief and something else he can't even identify.
it's him. it's actually him. how the fuck is this—
he shuts down. his brain, his reservations, his ability to stay one step ahead of an all-consuming grief just so he can keep going at all. he doesn't even have it in him to figure out what the hell is going on—how Erwin could possibly be here. later, assuming this isn't all part of the same trap.
instead, he just collapses back into him and sobs, and while he's still shivering he could not give less of a fuck about the cold. ]
no subject
comfort? maybe. companionship? sure. absolution? yeah, that one tracks.
then levi is crushed against him and he exhales shakingly and tucks in around him, body curving into a slight c shape to just lean over him like he can protect him from... whatever this is. Irreality, the weather, the trap-maze, whatever.
existence.
eventually though, he speaks again, hold on levi just as tight as when he'd started. ]
It's you.
[ buddy, what does that mean. ]
no subject
he's here. he's alive. how is he alive?
Levi's hand drops to Erwin's side, where he watched him slowly bleed out, and he chokes back another sob when all he feels is skin and fabric. his hand snaps back immediately as he realizes his fingers are quite literally freezing (and also that it is definitely inappropriate to be touching Erwin like that); when he looks down at his hand and it's mostly dry, he reaches up to touch his own face as if trying to confirm that this is reality.
it isn't until then that he realizes he's not sure what Erwin means. he looks back up at him again, face flushed red from the cold and definitely not from crying. ]
Me?
no subject
the moment where levi investigates where erwin knows a wound was not that long ago makes him feel oddly dissonant but he manages to hold it together until levi looks at him and asks him that and he breathes out slow and shaking before he can even answer him.
when he does, he's still half-curled over him. desperation looks bad on him, probably. he's only two steps ahead of the 'i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead' panic now that he's stopped moving, after all. ]
That I was looking for. That I had to find. It's you.
no subject
funny how that keeps happening.
he hastily rubs the tears from his eyes—again, not that he was crying, of course—but his other hand hasn't let go of Erwin the whole time. he should, he thinks, but he can't bring himself to do it. he's afraid of what might happen if he doesn't hold onto him. would he disappear? would that be any crazier than him being here in the first place?
no. he can't do it. ]
I'm sorry.
[ is he apologizing for not letting go of him? is he apologizing for letting him die? he doesn't even know. he's utterly overwhelmed with emotions he doesn't know how to express, or he doesn't think he can express. he feels like he's going to explode.
you know. figuratively. ]
I—
[ his voice cracks. his voice never cracks. he just keeps falling apart, right there in front of Erwin. Erwin, his closest friend, his superior. Erwin, who he loved so much he chose to let him go forever rather than see him suffer any longer in a world that didn't deserve him.
Erwin, who he has been mourning for four years. ]
—I was looking for you, too, but I never thought—
[ he never thought he'd find him. he never thought he'd even see his face ever again. he wants to just keep looking up at him, to make up for all the time he wasn't able to do so. he swallows hard, trying to pull his shit together, but when he speaks again he's quieter, like he knows he shouldn't be saying what he's going to say. ]
I've missed you.
no subject
Don't apologize.
[ for anything.
levi's voice cracks and it just makes erwin tug him in closer against his chest so he can tuck his head in atop levi's and close his eyes to take a few shaking breaths. it hits him, all at once, the enormity of what levi is saying right now. he's a smart man and it doesn't take him long to figure out what this reaction actually means.
this isn't erwin's newly-dead panic, this is something else.
his brow furrows and he draws back just enough to look down into his face and something in his expression is strange, half-wrecked like he's not sure what to do with himself. ]
It's been a long time for you, hasn't it? [ soft. ] I'm sorry.
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he has another chance now, but there's no way he could have prepared for anything like this. there are so many things he wants to say, but he's so overwhelmed by Erwin being here that when he opens his mouth it feels like it's just nonsense that comes out.
Erwin looks understandably broken already, anyway. he asks him if it's been a long time, and Levi can't even bring himself to tell him it's been four years. all he can do is nod. there's a drained, haunted look in his eyes; he probably looks like he's aged ten years since Erwin last saw him.
it feels like it's been so much more than that. ]
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surprise it's me again (december tdm - what i once saw on a screen)
well, that's not quite true. Levi doesn't know that because he didn't go to school or have normal friends, and honestly even if he did hear the theory behind it he would have immediately filed it under the "stupid shit that never happened" part of his brain and probably never thought about it again. there's no such thing as soulmates anyway, right?
he's a little less convinced these days.
anyway, none of that really matters because when he's sitting at home in their little burrow-house minding his own business one day and there's suddenly a red string tied to his little finger, he has zero idea what it means. what he does interpret it as is Fucking Annoying; he wants to get it off of him ASAP because he didn't put it there and that's just creepy.
but even more annoyingly, the string seems to be connected to something on the other end, and it leads out the front door. he doesn't really want to follow it, but for some reason he can't bring himself to go get the scissors—it's very important that he follows the string wherever it leads, and even though he knows at some level that it's a baseless compulsion, it's still a compulsion.
god damn it.
so out the front door he goes, cursing to himself once he sees the string stretches farther than he can even see. there's a nagging uncomfortable feeling because he didn't get to tell Erwin where he was going, but he can't bring himself to turn back now.
man. Erwin would never let himself get roped into something this stupid. ]
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but he's not now, is he?
much to think about.
that said, he's not actually thinking about that concept at all when he sees the red string around his finger, but he is pretty perturbed that he's got this intense pull dragging him on. he follows it, wondering why it's so intensely important when his priority has been entirely levi and he didn't even look for him to tell him he was going anywhere. levi is going to worry. levi always worries and erwin knows it, and he has good reason to, but something isn't letting him turn back.
as he travels through treacherous territory and increasingly bad weather, he feels a little of his own anxiety spiking. just a little, his own nagging uncomfortable feeling, and by the time he sees that he's being led to a shack in the snow that looks like it's barely being held up against the gales and snow, he has no idea what is going on.
then he gets close enough, steps inside, and there's another door on the other side and like it's some hilarious twist of fate, levi steps in at the same time.
oh.
well, it takes him a second to clock it but then he huffs a laugh of amused relief despite the encroaching cold. of course it's levi.
there's no one else it could possibly be, now that he's figured out what this is.
the blanket being so small is suspicious though. he doesn't know what's going on with that. but it doesn't matter at the moment because he's coming right up to levi and wrapping his arm around him, red string be damned, and tucking in against his hair. usual, like this stupid shit isn't happening to them right now. ]
Brought together again.
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things he might be wondering if he knew what a popsicle was.
the shack looks an awful lot like the scene of past and/or future murders, which doesn't fill him with relief like a less sketchy-looking shelter would, but he's relatively confident he could take whoever or whatever might be in there waiting for him. he's not sure why this thread would be leading him into such a shitty scenario, but he's also not sure why the thread exists in the first place, so there are a lot of questions to be answered here.
and then, of course, when he steps inside, ready to face whatever danger awaits him, it's Erwin. why wouldn't it be?
it feels so silly and pointless for them to be brought together this way, but he embraces Erwin all the same, breathing out a sigh of relief. ]
Do you think whoever keeps doing this knows we fucking live together already? Do I need to write a letter or something?
[ there's a tremulous edge to his voice despite the attitude, like he's trying to cover up the fact that he's freezing his ass off. as usual, he's not doing a very good job. ]
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They know we'd never leave without outside interference, so they take matters into their own hands I suppose.
[ he honestly doesn't sound too perturbed despite the shitty weather. maybe he's just happy with his company. imagine, someone that fucking excited to see levi ackerman.
he is fucking cold though, so he just kind of curves around levi before moving to sit against the wall and pull levi with him to share some warmth. it's fine. it'll be fine! ]
What would your letter even say?
[ lightly teasing. ]
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[ he's happy to burrow himself into Erwin, though as always he's far more concerned with Erwin's warmth than his own. another rare instance of him resenting his small size.
he does take a moment to compose a letter he'll never send in his head, though. ]
"To whom it may concern:"—that's how you start these things, right?—"Your attempts at matchmaking are no longer necessary or appreciated. Fuck off. Sincerely,"—and then I'd sign it. You don't have to sign it since you don't talk like that.
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the proposed letter makes him snort though, hand sliding up to draw fingers through his hair. ]
No, no, I'll happily sign it, I fully agree with the sentiment. That said, all annoyance aside it's kind of flattering to have the universe so insistent on matching you with the person you already love.
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he didn't think of it that way. it's a good thing it's so cold—it means it'll be harder to notice that he's blushing, probably. maybe.
maybe not. he's still having a tough time comprehending that Erwin loves him. it makes him smile every time. ]
Yeah, maybe you're right. I really don't care who does or doesn't approve, but at least they're not trying to lead you to someone else.
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that's not the point, though. the point is: ]
You know even if they did, I'd still find you? No matter if they thought there should be someone else, anyone else that's ever been or ever will be, it's only you.
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january event - fear itself
at first he thinks he's just being paranoid, which is a new feeling for him—thinking he's wrong about being in danger rather than immediately knowing he's right. has he been letting his guard down too much here? it's so refreshingly peaceful. and maybe this is nothing—someone he can just deck and be done with it. and frankly, that's most people, so why does this feel so off?
he doesn't like it.
Erwin didn't have to grow up like he did, but Levi has a feeling he already knows, too. he gives Erwin's hand a squeeze just in case.
(they are holding hands, obviously.) ]
You know we're being followed.
[ his voice is low, though there's still enough distance between them and their pursuer that it's hard to make out any of their characteristics. it's not gonna matter what they look like after he beats the shit out of them, anyway. ]
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it gets more and more unsettling as time passes, frankly, and when levi squeezes his hand he hums a sound of acknowledgement and squeezes back.
by the time levi speaks he feels like the hairs on the back of his neck are sticking up, like a dog with its hackles raised.
he nods, quiet another moment before responding. ]
I do. I can't tell by what or who, though.
[ though their pursuer does seem to be getting slightly closer as every moment passes, which is quickly growing to be even more unsettling. ]
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yeah... probably not, though.
with his free hand slipping into the pocket where he keeps his knife, he slows down just a little, but in the end he doesn't have to because their pursuer is clearly speeding up as well—in the span of a few moments most of the remaining distance between them has been closed, and Levi whirls around, letting go of Erwin's hand only because he plans to step in front of him, whether this is a knife kind of scenario or not.
all Erwin has to do is blink, and everything changes.
their pursuer seems to have disappeared, and Levi is no longer by his side even if he was there half a second ago. instead, he's standing in front of Erwin, facing him now.
there's something in his eyes that Erwin never will have seen before—he's looking up at him, but it's like he doesn't know where he is or why he's there. like he's going into shock.
like something is very, very wrong.
slowly, he looks down at himself. his hands are clutching his abdomen. he removes one to look at it, and it's covered in his own blood.
he stumbles, and begins to collapse. ]
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he sees levi going for his knife out of the corner of his eye, going for his own once levi lets his hand go—but something is wrong, isn't it? that flash of time he doesn't understand, a single blink changing everything.
because sure, their pursuer is gone, but levi is too far away from him for that simple blink to have covered the movement, his face is holding something that makes erwin's chest tighten and heart rate ramp up too much too fast, but it only takes another blink for him to see levi bleeding.
he's bleeding a lot and it looks like it's from a place that's very grim.
as soon as levi stumbles erwin is there and it's hard to manage it but he wraps his arm around levi's waist to keep him upright and loops it around his front to put heavy pressure where the blood is coming from. it hurts, surely, but sometimes things we need hurt.
when erwin speaks, it's a little strained. ]
Levi? Levi, look at me.
[ he needs to keep levi focused. he needs to keep him present until he can get him somewhere and treat him.
this cannot be happening. ]
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even when it's something he almost never expresses, like regret. ]
—Sorry.
[ it's not clear what he's apologizing for, or if he even knows. what is clear is that he's somehow lost so much blood already that it almost seems exaggerated, like a nightmare.
his grip on Erwin's coat is already weakening. ]
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it's such a foreign feeling, isn't it? to be so goddamn scared he actually can't think straight.
and then levi apologizes. ]
Don't apologize to me.
[ he exhales, shaking, and with levi's grip already weakening, it's all erwin can do to not try to hoist him up over his shoulder to bolt somewhere quick, but he knows that the jolt and journey will just make it worse.
is this all he has? fear, helplessness, and the regret in levi's eyes as he dies?
his next words are barely audible. ]
Never apologize to me, Levi.
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he leans forward to rest his head against Erwin's shoulder, like he wants to hold him so he won't be afraid but he doesn't have the strength so this is the best he can do.
after that, he's still.
there's a faint rustling sound coming from somewhere nearby, but who cares? it's probably just the wind. ]
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[ murmured at the very end. and at least there's that. at least there's levi looking at peace as he goes. he wonders, despondently, if this is how levi had felt.
because it feels like his entire being has been ripped out of him.
for some time he just holds him, head ducked forward to hide his face in levi's hair, breath shaking with each inhale and exhale.
(if he were able to pay proper attention to notice it, their connections haven't actually been severed. but he's too alone, too frightened, too distraught to figure that out at the moment, something filling his whole head with a haze of fear and anguish.)
he hears the rustling behind him, but he doesn't pay it any mind.
who cares?
levi is gone. ]
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