[ realistically, erwin knows he's in the basement because no one cares about his work but him. that's alright, though: he's doing this for his personal knowledge, his personal satisfaction, and the fbi has given him the ability to do so because he's too good of an agent to simply let go of. he keeps everything in his office meticulously organized by case, and he doesn't even really mind not having a window because his location means that he's so, so rarely interrupted. he can spend his time looking up leads, making calls, getting everything together to go out and really search.
and of course, they'd sent him a partner a few months ago. erwin knows that levi has been sent to keep an eye on him, to serve as the skeptic and steer him away from his frivolous thoughts. but that doesn't matter to him: he likes levi well enough, and the younger man is patient enough in his post to at least actually go with him on the cases he'd most like to investigate.
today he'd gotten in early because he has a good lead, making calls to arrange flights, a rental car, everything they could possibly need. so everything is fully sorted by the time that levi comes in for the day: erwin even has a pair of paper tickets he'd gone to pick up in his hand to gently wave at levi when he steps into the office. ]
Good morning, Levi. Are you ready to go to New Orleans?
believe it or not, though, it has nothing to do with Erwin; he wasn't sent to be Erwin's partner at random, and he is heavily skeptical of a lot of the insane shit Erwin feels the need to investigate, but there's just... something. he doesn't know what it is, but he finds himself trusting Erwin's judgment almost implicitly, even when he can't explain why he would with things like logic and science and common sense. spending time with him feels oddly familiar—like he's been around someone like Erwin before.
...which is obviously not the case, both because he doesn't hang out with anyone and because he doesn't think there is anyone like Erwin.
so, no, he's not dreading taking a trip with him, though it might come across that way in the heavy sigh he heaves upon seeing the tickets in Erwin's hand, or the anxious grimace on his face at the thought of being on a plane full of people. ]
Is this gonna be a two-seater thing or am I gonna have to sit next to some random asshole?
[ it's just that he really, really hates flying, even if doesn't have anything to do with the flying part. people are gross. lots of people in a small space is giga gross. fuck. ]
[ erwin doesn't mind that levi is skeptical, really. it gives him a grounding base to go off of, and if levi admits something is weird or off, he knows it's likely they're on the right track. plus, he just likes spending time with him. there's a comfort to it he's still unfamiliar with, but it feels like they've known each other forever.
his mind comes up with a few phenomena it could be, but he doesn't try to pin a cause down on it when it's fine to just let the feeling keep going for now. it's nice, after all, to feel like they have that kind of companionship so early.
he's good at reading people, at least, and he knows levi's discomfort isn't about erwin himself or even the itinerary of the actual trip. he sighs and shakes his head though, placing the tickets down on his desk. ]
Unfortunately, the latter. Though you'll be sitting between me and a window, so your mileage may vary on that last detail.
[ ha ha ha, is erwin the asshole? it's a genuine joke, at least, an idle tease to try and lighten the mood a little. ]
[ it's just as well Erwin doesn't brainstorm that stuff out loud—not yet, anyway. Levi doesn't know The Weird Feeling is mutual, and that information is going to make it a lot harder to keep brushing off as nothing.
it may actually break his brain.
for now, he seems to be satisfied with Erwin's answer, his cranky expression evening out into something a little more neutral.
he clicks his tongue, though. ]
Shit. Even worse.
[ his tone is lighter now. he's probably being facetious.
[ keeping the broken brains to a minimum is priority right now for sure, especially with so much work to do. there are so many leads all of the time and he has to pick and choose carefully what he gives their limited time.
this time, he thinks he has a winner. he really, really does.
levi's comment just makes him laugh though and it sounds fond, warm. a little too fond for how long they've been working together, but he's a pretty amiable guy. ]
Personally, I think it's an improvement.
[ no sarcasm here. he's even smiling. ]
I've given us enough time to prepare, though it is time-sensitive. We can each go home, pack bags, get our things in order, then go to the airport to meet before our flight.
[ he rolls his eyes. he knew Erwin would laugh at that. he always laughs when he says something unnecessarily rude. maybe that's why he keeps saying unnecessarily rude things?
or maybe he's just an asshole. both can be true. ]
Great.
[ he steps up to take his own ticket, eyes it briefly, and then folds it up neatly and slips it into the pocket of his jacket. ]
And what is it exactly that you think is waiting for us there?
[ erwin likes that levi is so open with him, or at least open enough to speak freely in that way. it's refreshing among the people that either speak stiffly to him because he's a higher rank than him and the ones that treat him like a joke.
he's not upset by either one of those things, naturally, but this? this is nice.
erwin's happy like this, he thinks. it's strange, maybe, to be so settled in that way, but it's not like he's not strange in other ways. ]
[ for once, the blank look on his face probably says all Erwin needs to know. he raises his brows after a moment, mentally preparing himself for whatever the hell is about to come out of Erwin's mouth. ]
I never took Weird Cryptid Shit of the American South, so you're gonna have to fill me in.
[ yeah, erwin was just asking to be polite. he never expects levi, or anyone really, to know about the things he obsessively researches. so instead of scoffing or anything, he just gestures for levi to sit as he settles back himself. ]
The rougarou, or loup-garou, in the original French, is akin to the werewolf. A human body, the head and claws of a wolf or dog, an insatiable appetite. There are multiple versions of the history, whether the reasoning for the transformation being misbehavior, something more akin to the usual biting or scratching passing on lycanthropy, or missing Lent for seven years in a row. In those versions, the rougarou are often seen as punishing those that miss Lent. A cautionary tale, essentially.
[ he lets that bit sink in. catholic werewolves. then he continues, not so much chipper as quite intense: ]
There have been reports of killings in the area and the locals believe the culprit to be a rougarou, while authorities are stumped. I, personally, think this is a case of a human pretending to be the creature to hide their own crimes.
[ wait, he doesn't think it's really the creature? he thinks it's an entire-ass human being doing crimes and pretending? who IS this man? ]
[ one day he'll know exactly what specific weird-ass thing Erwin is talking about before he has a chance to explain it, if only because it would be kind of funny to catch him off-guard like that. today is not that day, though. he has no fucking clue what this thing is.
his expression doesn't change that much until Erwin gets to the part about Lent—then he squints a little. he's not sure where he thought this was going, but it definitely wasn't there.
okay. Catholic werewolves. sure. why wouldn't there be Catholic werewolves?
as if that wasn't enough of a plot twist, then Erwin goes on to say he thinks it isn't actually Catholic werewolves that are behind all of this. what? he furrows his brows in thought; opens his mouth, closes it again, and then finally speaks. ]
...Okay, so, let me see if I have this right: there's been a series of murders rumored to have been committed by a monster that may or may not be a werewolf, who may or may not be Catholic, who may or may not be killing other Catholics for not being Catholic enough—and you don't think it's real?
[ it's not that he thinks Erwin will believe anything, it's just a bit of a surprise. usually they wind up approaching things like these from the other angle, after all. ]
[ erwin has been with the navy for his entire adult life. years of service, of protecting the seas from unsavory characters, of being one of the only upstanding commanders left in a military branch almost completely filled with bureaucrats, liars, and monsters.
he's turned in his own colleagues for things before: stealing, killing innocents, human trafficking. it means he's not especially popular with the other groups of the navy, being a whistleblower, but his own crew would follow him to the ends of the earth so it doesn't matter; that's all he needs.
he's been on the trail of a particular pirate captain for months now, tracking him across the expanse of the ocean from port to port. this is the closest he's ever gotten, the unassuming ship that he could tell nautical miles out of the way still in port. he has a tip too, from the person that sent them here for a score, and erwin doesn't take his whole crew with him, just two trusted associates as they alight from the ship and head into the underbelly of the town, dressed down in civilian clothing so they don't stand out as much.
[ as it turns out, nothing makes you want to spend most of your life at sea like having to grow up in a dirty overcrowded shithole like this one.
the lack of fresh air is stifling. it's the kind of place you don't visit unless you absolutely have to, and it certainly isn't somewhere you want to live unless you have no other choice. most people here don't deserve to live like this; it's just the place you wind up when you've lost everything, or when you've never had anything in the first place.
they don't deserve to live with the other kind of people here—the ones who make up the dredges of society because of their own choices. thieves, murderers, frauds...
pirates? perhaps.
somewhere a little deeper along the main road, a door creaks open on a very small house—if you can even call it a house. an equally small man steps out of it and closes the door behind him, locking it with a key before slipping it back into the pocket of his jacket. when he turns to glance down the street in Erwin's direction, he locks eyes with him very briefly, like he immediately knows these people aren't from around here. he makes nothing of it, though. instead, he simply turns on his heel and begins to walk casually in the other direction.
surely this can't be the guy, though, right? he looks like an overtired child, at least from a distance.
or maybe that's exactly what they're looking for? ]
[ erwin grew up fortunate. he never had to deal with those kinds of things, and though he wouldn't say they were upper class, somewhere in the middle was plenty enough. of course, after his father died (was killed), erwin had taken on an adult's burden before he was ready to, but sometimes those things happen.
which is why he's so dedicated to the job now, because it's all he has.
when the man—and he is a man, no matter what someone may think at a glance—looks his way, erwin stills. just for a moment. he knows, in that split-second, that this is who he's looking for. he's not sure how he knows, as he's never seen the man in person before. but it's clear as day to him and he starts after him purposefully, though he does at least attempt to not scare him off by pretending to be more casual than he feels.
it's been a long time coming, but he also needs to make sure he doesn't melt into the shadows so that erwin can't find him for another six months. ]
[ the one huge (so to speak) perk of being so small is that he can disappear into a crowd very easily. it's not even particularly busy today, but when you're only a little over five feet tall, it doesn't have to be.
he's only gone for a moment, though. Erwin and his companions will have very little time to wonder where he's fucked off to before they'll hear a voice just behind them. ]
Something I can help you with?
[ and there he is standing right there, arms crossed, expression blank. he doesn't seem on edge at all.
[ while the men around him seem startled, erwin just turns around calmly at the declaration, smiling faintly like he's just impressed and not upset at all. which is the truth.
also the truth is the way he tilts his head thoughtfully, then speaks. ]
I think you might be able to, actually. See, we're conducting an investigation of sorts and you might be able to shed some light on a series of questions.
[ for so many things. erwin is sorry for countless things now. the corpse pile he stood on. bringing levi into the pain of it. dying on him. the list could go on for ages. when levi touches his hand erwin turns it to catch his in return, tentatively threading their fingers and giving it a squeeze.
for a moment, he just looks at him. then he nods. ]
It's me. This wasn't exactly what I envisioned when it was happening.
[ when he was dying. he hadn't known what to expect, and by the end there was so little of himself left in his head he wasn't thinking about it at all, but this is certainly...
[ it occurs to him then that it's been a lot longer since he last saw Erwin than the other way around. did Erwin just black out on the rooftop one second and wake up here the next? it couldn't have gone any other way, right?
it doesn't matter right now. he'll ask about it later; for now, he's going to focus on Erwin being alive. without letting go of Erwin's hand, he finally turns around to face him.
he looks... older, probably. he is older, of course, and it's not like he looked vibrant and youthful before Erwin died, but the last four years have not been good to him. frankly, none of his years have been good to him, but these four years might as well have been 20. even more than that, maybe.
he looks like a widow who's still grieving—or was still grieving until only a few minutes ago. now, though he's still mysteriously misty-eyed, he smiles, probably for the first time in years. ]
I'm happy to see you, too.
[ it's waaay more complicated than that, but let's just start there. ]
[ that is exactly how it had gone. what a terrifying thought to consider that there could have been ages where he simply existed as nothing, or was just non-existent entirely. but no, it was as though he closed his eyes for the final time there and opened them for the first time here.
for a moment, erwin just studies levi's face some more, like he can't get enough of seeing him. like he'd become resigned to never seeing him again, to never seeing anything again, and this has changed everything, opened his metaphorical eyes along with his real ones.
levi's smile is beautiful.
erwin returns it, careful but meaningful, and his free hand (because he has two now) lifts to touch levi's face, to trace his thumb along his cheekbone. ]
[ his smile fades, but only because it feels like he has to be losing his mind. he'd managed to convince himself Erwin is real, but is he really touching his face? what does that mean?
his poor half-dead heart can't take this.
he reaches up with his own free hand to touch Erwin's arm, like he's trying to make sure he's really doing what he's doing. (and also that he really has a new arm, what the fuck.) both prove to be true when he manages to grasp it, but he's still hesitant to believe it. if this were a dream and he simply woke up from it after this, he's not sure he could take it.
still, he makes no attempt to move it or to push Erwin away—it's more like he's trying to keep him tethered to reality, if that's even what this is. ]
[ a soft repetition as he furrows his brow. they're already close to one another but he takes another step closer, tipping down until they're so close they're sharing the same air.
it's insane, what he's doing. has he thought about it before? naturally. did he think he would be rebuffed? not necessarily. would it have been appropriate? no. ]
I had a thought. With things as they stand, I'm here now, but I'm technically no longer military. Which means I'm no longer your direct superior.
[ there's just a breath's pause and then he finishes closing the distance to kiss him, careful but lingering nonetheless. it's so so warm, and real, and his eyes feel damp in the wake of it. ]
not that he would ever, ever speak a word of them to anyone else, but he never quite figured out what to call those dreams. they weren't nightmares—quite the opposite, in fact—but he would wake up from them feeling like he had a cold slab of rock in his chest instead of a heart, too heavy for him to even get out of bed.
he hadn't told Erwin how he felt before he died. he still doesn't know if that was the right decision or not.
but even though he's dreamed of it countless times, none of that could ever compare to this—to the real thing. how could it? he's never been kissed. he has zero frame of reference. his imagination can only go so far, and he doesn't even allow it to while he's awake. it's too much. there are a lot of things he has to compartmentalize in order to keep going, and Erwin is...
well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?
he's never gone through such a wide spectrum of emotions in such a short time. he felt sick to his stomach with anger and grief when he thought someone else was using Erwin's name, and now he's probably the happiest he's ever been in his entire life—or he will be, once it sinks in what's actually happening.
for the moment, he's utterly dazed. what comes out of his mouth, half-whispered against Erwin's lips, is something between 'what' and 'why'. it doesn't really matter when they would both be stupid questions. ]
[ it'd be easy to call them fantasies—hadn't erwin spoken to someone since arriving on the difference between fantasy, wish, and goal?
well, he'd been right that fantasy could become truth, hadn't he?
erwin doesn't have the gap that levi does, doesn't know that long trek of grief that made levi what he is today standing before him. the man erwin loves, the man he never told out of some misguided sense of propriety and worry that levi might feel obligated in the face of his commander's feelings.
but he'd been a fool, and now as he stands here he regrets never saying anything.
levi's strange mingled question aside, erwin just cradles levi's face and breathes for a moment. it shakes, just a little. if he's this affected, what must levi be feeling?
he kisses him again, shorter but no less earnest, and once again breathes out his answer against his lips. ]
[ there's nobody watching them right now, right? oh, well. ordinarily he might care, but this is not an ordinary situation, and right now he's not thinking of anyone at all besides the man right in front of him.
who's alive, by the way.
allowing himself to take it all in and acknowledge it's real is difficult. there's such a strong sense of self-preservation; it's the same thing that prevents him from thinking about things like this too much, from letting his imagination wander down roads made impassable by death. but every second that passes where he can feel the warmth of Erwin's hand, where he can hear him breathe, it chips away at that armor, little by little.
and when Erwin's lips are on his again, it finally cracks wide open. this is real, and he's wasting precious time trying to convince himself it isn't. how many times has he wished he had even five more minutes at Erwin's side?
so, finally, his arms coil around Erwin, holding onto him like he's trying to anchor him to reality. he returns the kiss this time, too, though he has absolutely no idea what he's doing—the emotion is there, and frankly so is the desperation.
it's been a long, long four years.
when Erwin speaks again, he manages to find his voice as well. ]
Yeah. You should have.
[ big talk from a guy with tears in his eyes. it's fine. ]
[ there he is. there's some desperation in erwin as well, despite the discrepancy in their times apart. with levi's arms around him he shifts, leaning back against the nearest wall and slouching like he can't even keep standing up properly on his own.
and even when the kiss ends, even when levi's tearful chastisement is floating in his ears, he's smiling. eyes wet, but smiling. ]
Well, I have now.
[ and he will, over and over and over, until it's so normal neither of them is surprised, and then he'll keep doing it. ]
I have no idea what I'm doing.
[ he's running on enthusiasm and true love, it's not like he's spent a lot of time doing anything romantic or physical. ]
[ he breathes out a(n almost) laugh at that statement. what a silly thing to say to someone who is unquestionably 1000% more clueless. ]
That must be a new one for you.
[ Erwin has been hyper-competent as long as he's known him. Erwin would never acknowledge this, of course, but it's true. this isn't the kind of thing he would have really wanted Erwin to be an expert in, though. he'd rather they figured it out together.
which is not something he ever, ever thought would be a possibility, even in his wildest fucking dreams. he'd mostly resigned himself to never experiencing any of these things—and then completely resigned himself when Erwin died. why wouldn't he? he knew there was no one else. it was Erwin or it was no one.
and now, somehow, it's gone from no one back to Erwin. he never thought he'd be thankful for being abducted, but it may very well be the best thing that's ever happened to him.
he buries his face in Erwin's shoulder, definitely not in part to hide the intense emotion. he knows he doesn't need to, but it's gonna be a hard habit to break. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a trip to new orleans
and of course, they'd sent him a partner a few months ago. erwin knows that levi has been sent to keep an eye on him, to serve as the skeptic and steer him away from his frivolous thoughts. but that doesn't matter to him: he likes levi well enough, and the younger man is patient enough in his post to at least actually go with him on the cases he'd most like to investigate.
today he'd gotten in early because he has a good lead, making calls to arrange flights, a rental car, everything they could possibly need. so everything is fully sorted by the time that levi comes in for the day: erwin even has a pair of paper tickets he'd gone to pick up in his hand to gently wave at levi when he steps into the office. ]
Good morning, Levi. Are you ready to go to New Orleans?
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believe it or not, though, it has nothing to do with Erwin; he wasn't sent to be Erwin's partner at random, and he is heavily skeptical of a lot of the insane shit Erwin feels the need to investigate, but there's just... something. he doesn't know what it is, but he finds himself trusting Erwin's judgment almost implicitly, even when he can't explain why he would with things like logic and science and common sense. spending time with him feels oddly familiar—like he's been around someone like Erwin before.
...which is obviously not the case, both because he doesn't hang out with anyone and because he doesn't think there is anyone like Erwin.
so, no, he's not dreading taking a trip with him, though it might come across that way in the heavy sigh he heaves upon seeing the tickets in Erwin's hand, or the anxious grimace on his face at the thought of being on a plane full of people. ]
Is this gonna be a two-seater thing or am I gonna have to sit next to some random asshole?
[ it's just that he really, really hates flying, even if doesn't have anything to do with the flying part. people are gross. lots of people in a small space is giga gross. fuck. ]
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his mind comes up with a few phenomena it could be, but he doesn't try to pin a cause down on it when it's fine to just let the feeling keep going for now. it's nice, after all, to feel like they have that kind of companionship so early.
he's good at reading people, at least, and he knows levi's discomfort isn't about erwin himself or even the itinerary of the actual trip. he sighs and shakes his head though, placing the tickets down on his desk. ]
Unfortunately, the latter. Though you'll be sitting between me and a window, so your mileage may vary on that last detail.
[ ha ha ha, is erwin the asshole? it's a genuine joke, at least, an idle tease to try and lighten the mood a little. ]
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it may actually break his brain.
for now, he seems to be satisfied with Erwin's answer, his cranky expression evening out into something a little more neutral.
he clicks his tongue, though. ]
Shit. Even worse.
[ his tone is lighter now. he's probably being facetious.
probably. ]
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this time, he thinks he has a winner. he really, really does.
levi's comment just makes him laugh though and it sounds fond, warm. a little too fond for how long they've been working together, but he's a pretty amiable guy. ]
Personally, I think it's an improvement.
[ no sarcasm here. he's even smiling. ]
I've given us enough time to prepare, though it is time-sensitive. We can each go home, pack bags, get our things in order, then go to the airport to meet before our flight.
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or maybe he's just an asshole. both can be true. ]
Great.
[ he steps up to take his own ticket, eyes it briefly, and then folds it up neatly and slips it into the pocket of his jacket. ]
And what is it exactly that you think is waiting for us there?
[ he genuinely could not even begin to guess. ]
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he's not upset by either one of those things, naturally, but this? this is nice.
erwin's happy like this, he thinks. it's strange, maybe, to be so settled in that way, but it's not like he's not strange in other ways. ]
Have you heard of the Rougarou, Levi?
what in the absolute fuck did i just google
I never took Weird Cryptid Shit of the American South, so you're gonna have to fill me in.
[ here we fucking go. ]
SOMETIMES....shit is just weird
The rougarou, or loup-garou, in the original French, is akin to the werewolf. A human body, the head and claws of a wolf or dog, an insatiable appetite. There are multiple versions of the history, whether the reasoning for the transformation being misbehavior, something more akin to the usual biting or scratching passing on lycanthropy, or missing Lent for seven years in a row. In those versions, the rougarou are often seen as punishing those that miss Lent. A cautionary tale, essentially.
[ he lets that bit sink in. catholic werewolves. then he continues, not so much chipper as quite intense: ]
There have been reports of killings in the area and the locals believe the culprit to be a rougarou, while authorities are stumped. I, personally, think this is a case of a human pretending to be the creature to hide their own crimes.
[ wait, he doesn't think it's really the creature? he thinks it's an entire-ass human being doing crimes and pretending? who IS this man? ]
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his expression doesn't change that much until Erwin gets to the part about Lent—then he squints a little. he's not sure where he thought this was going, but it definitely wasn't there.
okay. Catholic werewolves. sure. why wouldn't there be Catholic werewolves?
as if that wasn't enough of a plot twist, then Erwin goes on to say he thinks it isn't actually Catholic werewolves that are behind all of this. what? he furrows his brows in thought; opens his mouth, closes it again, and then finally speaks. ]
...Okay, so, let me see if I have this right: there's been a series of murders rumored to have been committed by a monster that may or may not be a werewolf, who may or may not be Catholic, who may or may not be killing other Catholics for not being Catholic enough—and you don't think it's real?
[ it's not that he thinks Erwin will believe anything, it's just a bit of a surprise. usually they wind up approaching things like these from the other angle, after all. ]
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pirate captain v navy commander
he's turned in his own colleagues for things before: stealing, killing innocents, human trafficking. it means he's not especially popular with the other groups of the navy, being a whistleblower, but his own crew would follow him to the ends of the earth so it doesn't matter; that's all he needs.
he's been on the trail of a particular pirate captain for months now, tracking him across the expanse of the ocean from port to port. this is the closest he's ever gotten, the unassuming ship that he could tell nautical miles out of the way still in port. he has a tip too, from the person that sent them here for a score, and erwin doesn't take his whole crew with him, just two trusted associates as they alight from the ship and head into the underbelly of the town, dressed down in civilian clothing so they don't stand out as much.
he just needs to keep an eye out. ]
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the lack of fresh air is stifling. it's the kind of place you don't visit unless you absolutely have to, and it certainly isn't somewhere you want to live unless you have no other choice. most people here don't deserve to live like this; it's just the place you wind up when you've lost everything, or when you've never had anything in the first place.
they don't deserve to live with the other kind of people here—the ones who make up the dredges of society because of their own choices. thieves, murderers, frauds...
pirates? perhaps.
somewhere a little deeper along the main road, a door creaks open on a very small house—if you can even call it a house. an equally small man steps out of it and closes the door behind him, locking it with a key before slipping it back into the pocket of his jacket. when he turns to glance down the street in Erwin's direction, he locks eyes with him very briefly, like he immediately knows these people aren't from around here. he makes nothing of it, though. instead, he simply turns on his heel and begins to walk casually in the other direction.
surely this can't be the guy, though, right? he looks like an overtired child, at least from a distance.
or maybe that's exactly what they're looking for? ]
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which is why he's so dedicated to the job now, because it's all he has.
when the man—and he is a man, no matter what someone may think at a glance—looks his way, erwin stills. just for a moment. he knows, in that split-second, that this is who he's looking for. he's not sure how he knows, as he's never seen the man in person before. but it's clear as day to him and he starts after him purposefully, though he does at least attempt to not scare him off by pretending to be more casual than he feels.
it's been a long time coming, but he also needs to make sure he doesn't melt into the shadows so that erwin can't find him for another six months. ]
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he's only gone for a moment, though. Erwin and his companions will have very little time to wonder where he's fucked off to before they'll hear a voice just behind them. ]
Something I can help you with?
[ and there he is standing right there, arms crossed, expression blank. he doesn't seem on edge at all.
surprise? ]
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also the truth is the way he tilts his head thoughtfully, then speaks. ]
I think you might be able to, actually. See, we're conducting an investigation of sorts and you might be able to shed some light on a series of questions.
cont from synflux tdm
[ for so many things. erwin is sorry for countless things now. the corpse pile he stood on. bringing levi into the pain of it. dying on him. the list could go on for ages.
when levi touches his hand erwin turns it to catch his in return, tentatively threading their fingers and giving it a squeeze.
for a moment, he just looks at him. then he nods. ]
It's me. This wasn't exactly what I envisioned when it was happening.
[ when he was dying. he hadn't known what to expect, and by the end there was so little of himself left in his head he wasn't thinking about it at all, but this is certainly...
it's something, isn't it? ]
Despite the circumstances, I'm happy to see you.
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it doesn't matter right now. he'll ask about it later; for now, he's going to focus on Erwin being alive. without letting go of Erwin's hand, he finally turns around to face him.
he looks... older, probably. he is older, of course, and it's not like he looked vibrant and youthful before Erwin died, but the last four years have not been good to him. frankly, none of his years have been good to him, but these four years might as well have been 20. even more than that, maybe.
he looks like a widow who's still grieving—or was still grieving until only a few minutes ago. now, though he's still mysteriously misty-eyed, he smiles, probably for the first time in years. ]
I'm happy to see you, too.
[ it's waaay more complicated than that, but let's just start there. ]
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for a moment, erwin just studies levi's face some more, like he can't get enough of seeing him. like he'd become resigned to never seeing him again, to never seeing anything again, and this has changed everything, opened his metaphorical eyes along with his real ones.
levi's smile is beautiful.
erwin returns it, careful but meaningful, and his free hand (because he has two now) lifts to touch levi's face, to trace his thumb along his cheekbone. ]
It's been much longer for you.
[ it's not a question. ]
I'm here now.
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his poor half-dead heart can't take this.
he reaches up with his own free hand to touch Erwin's arm, like he's trying to make sure he's really doing what he's doing. (and also that he really has a new arm, what the fuck.) both prove to be true when he manages to grasp it, but he's still hesitant to believe it. if this were a dream and he simply woke up from it after this, he's not sure he could take it.
still, he makes no attempt to move it or to push Erwin away—it's more like he's trying to keep him tethered to reality, if that's even what this is. ]
Four years.
[ it's all he manages to get out. ]
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[ a soft repetition as he furrows his brow. they're already close to one another but he takes another step closer, tipping down until they're so close they're sharing the same air.
it's insane, what he's doing. has he thought about it before? naturally. did he think he would be rebuffed? not necessarily. would it have been appropriate? no. ]
I had a thought. With things as they stand, I'm here now, but I'm technically no longer military. Which means I'm no longer your direct superior.
[ there's just a breath's pause and then he finishes closing the distance to kiss him, careful but lingering nonetheless. it's so so warm, and real, and his eyes feel damp in the wake of it. ]
Which means I can do this.
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not that he would ever, ever speak a word of them to anyone else, but he never quite figured out what to call those dreams. they weren't nightmares—quite the opposite, in fact—but he would wake up from them feeling like he had a cold slab of rock in his chest instead of a heart, too heavy for him to even get out of bed.
he hadn't told Erwin how he felt before he died. he still doesn't know if that was the right decision or not.
but even though he's dreamed of it countless times, none of that could ever compare to this—to the real thing. how could it? he's never been kissed. he has zero frame of reference. his imagination can only go so far, and he doesn't even allow it to while he's awake. it's too much. there are a lot of things he has to compartmentalize in order to keep going, and Erwin is...
well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?
he's never gone through such a wide spectrum of emotions in such a short time. he felt sick to his stomach with anger and grief when he thought someone else was using Erwin's name, and now he's probably the happiest he's ever been in his entire life—or he will be, once it sinks in what's actually happening.
for the moment, he's utterly dazed. what comes out of his mouth, half-whispered against Erwin's lips, is something between 'what' and 'why'. it doesn't really matter when they would both be stupid questions. ]
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well, he'd been right that fantasy could become truth, hadn't he?
erwin doesn't have the gap that levi does, doesn't know that long trek of grief that made levi what he is today standing before him. the man erwin loves, the man he never told out of some misguided sense of propriety and worry that levi might feel obligated in the face of his commander's feelings.
but he'd been a fool, and now as he stands here he regrets never saying anything.
levi's strange mingled question aside, erwin just cradles levi's face and breathes for a moment. it shakes, just a little. if he's this affected, what must levi be feeling?
he kisses him again, shorter but no less earnest, and once again breathes out his answer against his lips. ]
I should have done that years ago.
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who's alive, by the way.
allowing himself to take it all in and acknowledge it's real is difficult. there's such a strong sense of self-preservation; it's the same thing that prevents him from thinking about things like this too much, from letting his imagination wander down roads made impassable by death. but every second that passes where he can feel the warmth of Erwin's hand, where he can hear him breathe, it chips away at that armor, little by little.
and when Erwin's lips are on his again, it finally cracks wide open. this is real, and he's wasting precious time trying to convince himself it isn't. how many times has he wished he had even five more minutes at Erwin's side?
so, finally, his arms coil around Erwin, holding onto him like he's trying to anchor him to reality. he returns the kiss this time, too, though he has absolutely no idea what he's doing—the emotion is there, and frankly so is the desperation.
it's been a long, long four years.
when Erwin speaks again, he manages to find his voice as well. ]
Yeah. You should have.
[ big talk from a guy with tears in his eyes. it's fine. ]
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and even when the kiss ends, even when levi's tearful chastisement is floating in his ears, he's smiling. eyes wet, but smiling. ]
Well, I have now.
[ and he will, over and over and over, until it's so normal neither of them is surprised, and then he'll keep doing it. ]
I have no idea what I'm doing.
[ he's running on enthusiasm and true love, it's not like he's spent a lot of time doing anything romantic or physical. ]
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That must be a new one for you.
[ Erwin has been hyper-competent as long as he's known him. Erwin would never acknowledge this, of course, but it's true. this isn't the kind of thing he would have really wanted Erwin to be an expert in, though. he'd rather they figured it out together.
which is not something he ever, ever thought would be a possibility, even in his wildest fucking dreams. he'd mostly resigned himself to never experiencing any of these things—and then completely resigned himself when Erwin died. why wouldn't he? he knew there was no one else. it was Erwin or it was no one.
and now, somehow, it's gone from no one back to Erwin. he never thought he'd be thankful for being abducted, but it may very well be the best thing that's ever happened to him.
he buries his face in Erwin's shoulder, definitely not in part to hide the intense emotion. he knows he doesn't need to, but it's gonna be a hard habit to break. ]
I missed you. Every day.
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