[ deep down, he knows Erwin is probably not doing as well as it seems. that's just how he is, for one thing. not only that, but he knows that if their roles were reversed, he'd be absolutely losing it trying to comfort Erwin, too. it's a nightmare on both sides.
this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
[ levi is right. erwin is reeling: a part of him genuinely expected levi to be angry with him for not telling him, but that's just proof that even erwin can be stupid sometimes.
and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
[ sounds like a plan. even better if Erwin can actually fall back asleep. he won't, he's sure—most likely, he'll just be watching Erwin, trying to drive into his mind that he is still here, right beside him.
he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
[ erwin watches this quietly and more than anything wishes they'd never had to do this. it was... easier, when levi didn't know, though he does feel guilt encroaching because he was keeping it from him. still, better than this... levi simultaneously distraught and listless is painful to watch, and erwin shrugs off his coat and toes off his shoes before laying down with levi, curling over him and wrapping his arm around him carefully. ]
There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
[ he still doesn't say anything for quite awhile. what is there to say? nothing he could come up with would make this any better, but he could certainly make it worse, so instead he just burrows himself against Erwin, trying with all his might to turn his brain off.
it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
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this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
You should sleep.
no subject
and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
Lay with me, Levi.
no subject
he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
no subject
There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
no subject
it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
I went back for you.