[ it's nice being able to sleep like a normal person.
not two or three hours a night, not sitting up in a fucking chair, just. sleeping. like, in a bed. through the night, mostly. with the only person he'd ever want to share a bed with (and he's not even cold yet!). it's a welcome change, to say the very least. he's sleeping better than he's ever slept in his life.
...most nights, anyway. tonight, not so much.
he had fallen asleep a little while ago, curled up like always with Erwin in his bed that really isn't suited for two people but it's fine because he's tiny so whatever, don't worry about it. he wakes up briefly a couple of times feeling strangely uneasy for some reason he can't quite nail down, but managing to fall asleep again anyway. the third time, as soon as he's awake again, he can tell he's not going to be so lucky.
something feels wrong. really, really wrong.
it hasn't been that long since the last time he made a trip over to the looking glass house—the last time he thought he'd have to, considering he finally found Erwin there. this is different, though. this isn't a conscious decision to go there every day to look for someone. it's more of a physical need, like if he doesn't go over there right now, in the middle of the night, alone, something terrible will happen.
but it kind of feels like something terrible will happen either way.
so as much as he'd like to ignore it and stay in bed, he carefully untangles himself from Erwin without waking him and gets up, bundling up to go back to that place again in the bitter cold. he can't even think about how stupid it is because it feels so much like dread that he can't push it down. so he heads for the looking glass house for like the hundredth time, making quick time because he feels like he needs to (and because it's fucking cold).
he hasn't paid any real attention to his own mirror since arriving back here half a year ago, even when he was visiting this room every day. it wasn't about him, after all. he was waiting for Erwin. there was nothing else to look at. but he realized on the way here that this was probably something for him this time. it had to be. it's never happened before, but he's heard that sometimes someone will return here and end up leaving with new memories.
it's going to be bad. the way that he's feeling, there's no way it's anything but bad.
he doesn't really want to look at his own mirror, but the sooner he does, the sooner he can go home. he might as well get it over with. so, despite this weirdly-heavy apprehension, he finally does.
what comes next feels like both a split second and an eternity somehow. in an instant, it's already over, and yet when it is over, he feels exhausted—it's the first thing he feels, before his brain has a chance to catch up. it's an entire year of memories, so it takes a moment to process before it hits him.
but when it does hit him, it hits hard. harder than anything he's ever sustained in his life, physical or otherwise. he goes from gazing warily into his mirror to staring in horror in the span of only a few seconds. he's stepping back before he even realizes it, wanting to put all the distance in the world between himself and his mirror, but freezing in spite of himself. he never wants to look at it again. he wants to yank it off the wall and shatter it and not even clean it up.
it feels like his heart stopped. in a way, it has. and anyone unlucky enough to be bonded to him will probably feel much the same.
it's not a feeling he would ever wish on anyone, least of all the man he loves—assuming Erwin's not already gone. ]
[ through most of this, erwin sleeps. he shifts when levi disentangles himself but he's been sleeping so much better (see: heavier) lately than he ever has, so it's actually possible for levi to free himself without waking him.
a lucky break.
or not, considering what happens next.
it's the jarring mood shift that wakes erwin with a start because thus far their connection has only been pleasant, but now there's dread and anguish and for a moment it's like he can't even breathe. for a moment he thinks levi's near and he can figure it out right away, but his gaze settles on the empty spot next to him and he's up in a second, pulling on his clothes and his coat and going outside.
one of the perks of being so closely attuned is that after the moment of startled confusion he knows where to find levi because the pull lessens with each step closer to him he takes. he steps outside and it guides him toward the looking glass house, which makes him further question it--it's never come up in conversation what happens there when people gain new memories, so he doesn't understand why levi would be there.
still, he's quick about it, hurrying to try and get to him as soon as possible.
[ he has just enough wherewithal to realize what he's feeling isn't exclusive to him anymore—it's the only thing that unsticks him from where he's frozen and pushes him on his way out. the fact that it's so surreal to learn so much at once keeps him in a kind of daze, which in turn keeps him from simply collapsing where he is but not much else. the speed that brought him here is mostly gone now, as much as he wants to be back home with Erwin; his strength is gone, too, and it feels like it won't ever come back.
it's entirely possible it will never come back.
needless to say, Erwin makes much better time than he does, which keeps them from meeting somewhere in the middle. he doesn't even make it very far from the looking glass house before Erwin catches up to him. that is Erwin, right? his vision is a little blurry.
another wave of grief hits him when he sees him, and he just stops. it's too much. but at the same time, it might be all Erwin needs to know. ]
[ they're so close still when erwin finds him, but the vice on his heart doesn't relent. he swallows, trying to search levi's face for something, anything, before they're even close.
when levi stops like that, he understands.
he understands and he takes a shaking breath, closing the rest of the distance to curl his arm around him and hold him close, fingers curling in the back of his coat.
he leans down, voice soft but tight like he's struggling to keep it even. ]
[ he just leans his forehead against Erwin's shoulder. it's all he can do. he's not sure his arms even work anymore. why would they bother?
his voice is similarly quiet and not exactly even. ]
Why didn't you tell me?
[ if he was in his right mind, he wouldn't even ask. he always defaults to the assumption that Erwin knows best about pretty much everything, so if he didn't tell him, it had to be for good reason. unfortunately, he's not capable of that much reasoning right now, so it comes out anyway.
[ his hand shifts up, cradling levi's head against him, and he just... continues to hold him close with a sort of aching, despondent affection that's palpable.
he shakes his head at the question, quiet a long moment afterward. he wants to answer, but he can't possibly explain in a way that makes sense.
[ he knows Erwin is right. he always is. it was a stupid question to even ask, but he's completely checked out of logical thinking now. maybe shutting down was also the best option for him.
he's quiet for a long time, too. he doesn't even move. when he finally does speak again his voice is even softer, almost like he's hoping no one will hear what he's about to say. ]
[ this time, erwin doesn't hesitate before he shakes his head firmly. it brooks no argument, in any case, and he shifts just enough to straighten and tip levi's chin up to look at him. ]
You did what needed to be done. You made the same choice I would have made.
[ looking Erwin in the eyes after everything he just remembered is more painful than he would ever have expected. he can't remember the last time he cried about anything, but his eyes are precariously teary, even in the cold air. ]
[ that actually stills him. he frowns, but he doesn't pull away at all, remaining close to him like the proximity can take the ache away. he feels like his heart is breaking; it's so intense it almost takes his breath away. ]
[ he shakes his head, just faintly. he's so, so tired. it feels like he'll never have energy again. ]
I couldn't let you suffer anymore.
[ it seems complicated, but in reality it's not complicated at all. what was best for Erwin took priority over what was best for the rest of the world. he'd make the same choice every time. ]
[ that gives him pause, but it's not disappointed or angry. he reaches to smooth his hand over levi's hair, closing his eyes a moment before he reopens them. ]
If you think I'm going to fault you for that, you're wrong. I was... blinded. It would only have gotten worse. Having had to let go of it... Here, my vision is clear.
[ he's glad to hear it, somewhere deep down, but it's under such a heavy layer of grief that it doesn't even register. ]
...That's not really it, either.
[ it's getting even more difficult to maintain eye contact. he doesn't want to cry, but his body does. he's not sure how much longer he can keep it back. ]
Our world didn't deserve you. I wasn't going to let it hurt you anymore.
[ his face softens, just a little. he doesn't break eye contact though, hand palming at his nape in an attempt at soothing him. he always knows what to say, but nothing prepared him for this.
he doesn't know what to do for once in his life. ]
[ yyyeah, he can't do it anymore. his head drops back to where it was before, with his face pressed into Erwin's chest, and his arms finally move up to cling to the front of his coat.
[ his arm comes around to hold onto him utterly, head tipping down into his hair and eyes closing. he's not crying, but it's a near thing for him as well.
[ he stays right there for a long time, silent other than the occasional rogue sniff that gets through in spite of his best efforts to keep it together. eventually he straightens and very quickly wipes his face with a coat sleeve, as if it wouldn't be obvious even to someone much less intelligent than Erwin what he'd been doing.
he still doesn't have it in him to look Erwin in the eyes again. not yet. ]
It's cold. Let's go home.
[ he never wants to be in the looking glass house ever again. ]
[ it's... well, it's not erwin's place to point out levi was crying when he so clearly wants to keep it under wraps. instead he turns back toward where home is, pressing his hand to the small of levi's back to guide him by touch. ]
[ it's all he can do to just nod and lean closer into Erwin for the walk back. who knows how long it would have taken him to get back home if he was doing it alone. ]
[ he doesn't let Erwin pull back very far, reaching up with both hands to hold his face while it's still close to his own. for now, he seems to have masked most of the evidence that he'd been crying, but when he speaks his voice is unsteady and barely above a whisper. ]
[ he murmurs before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then just aside one eye, then his forehead, then at his jaw before returning to his mouth. ]
[ as much as he'd kind of like to never have to make a decision ever again after everything he saw tonight, he's once again faced with a choice. between the near-suffocating grief he feels and Erwin's genuine warmth and sincerity that he also feels, he's overwhelmed. there are going to be tears no matter what he does. he can hide his face again to keep Erwin from seeing, but that would mean he can't kiss him, either. and as incapable of critical thinking as he is right now, he's at least able to recognize that Erwin will know either way. so what's the point in trying to hide it anymore?
something something choose whatever you'll regret the least.
so he kisses him back, hands still cradling his face, and for once in his life he lets himself cry. ]
[ erwin isn't going to make commentary on levi crying. it'd be a breach of trust, honestly, and he can't say he wouldn't cry if their positions were reversed. so he just closes his eyes and lets the kiss continue, a slow and gentle thing as his hand drops to press to the center of his back, just holding him against his body, a tangible reminder that he's not going anywhere. ]
[ it's exactly the kind of reminder he needs. actually, he wants as many reminders as possible that Erwin's really there with him, so he presses himself closer still, hands sliding down to the sides of his neck, somewhere he can feel a pulse.
(for now.)
it's a surreal feeling, and not entirely in a good way. but it's like relishing Erwin being here right now is the only thing that's going to keep either of them alive. ]
[ when he finally breaks the kiss, he leans in to murmur against his ear, quiet but firm. ]
I love you. I'm here.
[ he's not going to stop comforting him—what kind of monster (hah) would he be if he did? no, he's going to smooth his hand up and down his back, wishing (for once) that he had another to hold him with. ]
[ somehow, he never finds himself wishing selfishly that Erwin still had both arms, as much as he would love to feel both of them around him. for Erwin's own sake, sure, but even before tonight, he's considered himself incredibly lucky to have him at all.
and now he never wants to go home.
he chokes up a little when Erwin tells him he loves him, but he doesn't hesitate to respond. ]
I love you, too.
[ his arms wrap around him tightly, like he's afraid someone is going to come drag him away forever. ]
[ he's tired now. he's gone through a lot of emotions one after the other, and he's sure it's even worse for levi. he knows exactly what levi is thinking about not wanting to go home, too. of course he is.
erwin shakes his head, pressing his face into the crown of levi's head for a long moment before he says anything at all.
[ Erwin says that, but he feels like there are a lot of things he should apologize for. most of them he won't, because Erwin wouldn't accept them anyway, but one thing is at the front of his mind that he can't just not acknowledge.
it comes out muffled, though, with his face still buried in Erwin's shoulder. ]
[ he strokes his hair carefully, leaning into him. it's... intimate, and purposeful. he's trying to ground levi in this moment and not the ones he's coming away from. ]
You didn't need to tell me for me to know how much you care.
Because you're good at that. Reading people. If you weren't...
[ even he knows that's a dead end, so he just trails off. it's hard to put a sentence together right now, let alone one that makes any sense.
he finally looks back up at Erwin when he can't come up with anything to say. he's not actively crying, but his eyes are pretty red. he probably looks like shit. Erwin looks the same as always, though—beautiful? put together? all of the above?
alive. something he wouldn't have expected to ever see again. ]
I'm going to make sure you know. Every single day.
[ levi only thinks erwin is put together because he himself is such a mess. erwin is frazzled and grasping at straws trying to help levi calm down, but he's just trying his best not to show it. if he keeps his cool, levi can possibly follow suit once the shock and anguish wear off.
as it is, he just nods and presses his forehead against levi's. it's grounding, and he closes his eyes with an exhale. ]
Good. I'm going to make sure you know as well. Always.
[ deep down, he knows Erwin is probably not doing as well as it seems. that's just how he is, for one thing. not only that, but he knows that if their roles were reversed, he'd be absolutely losing it trying to comfort Erwin, too. it's a nightmare on both sides.
this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
[ levi is right. erwin is reeling: a part of him genuinely expected levi to be angry with him for not telling him, but that's just proof that even erwin can be stupid sometimes.
and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
[ sounds like a plan. even better if Erwin can actually fall back asleep. he won't, he's sure—most likely, he'll just be watching Erwin, trying to drive into his mind that he is still here, right beside him.
he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
[ erwin watches this quietly and more than anything wishes they'd never had to do this. it was... easier, when levi didn't know, though he does feel guilt encroaching because he was keeping it from him. still, better than this... levi simultaneously distraught and listless is painful to watch, and erwin shrugs off his coat and toes off his shoes before laying down with levi, curling over him and wrapping his arm around him carefully. ]
There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
[ he still doesn't say anything for quite awhile. what is there to say? nothing he could come up with would make this any better, but he could certainly make it worse, so instead he just burrows himself against Erwin, trying with all his might to turn his brain off.
it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
I went back for you.
[muffled single ladies playing in the distance] (2/2?? sure that works)
[ everyone has their own opinion about snow. it's usually the same types who tend to love it, though—kids, dogs, people who own ski resorts. adults are often disillusioned with it as they get older and it becomes less of an opportunity to play and more of a logistical pain in the ass. but every once in awhile, you run into an adult who's somehow still captivated by it. maybe they grew up in a tropical climate and they've never seen it before? maybe they're still a kid at heart? or maybe they spent the first 20+ years of their life stuck living in an underground shithole without the luxury of fresh air, much less seasonal weather like snow?
yeah. needless to say, Levi is still pretty enchanted by it.
which might be the reason they left the warmth of home behind for a walk through the shopping district, even though it's quite cold and, yes, snowing. he's not really sure if Erwin agreed to it because it sounded legitimately appealing or if it was more along the lines of humoring him; sometimes it's hard to tell what's going on in that remarkable brain of his, even if they are psychically bonded. or whatever.
anyway, while they may not be frequent visitors to this part of the city by any means, it's still noticeable that there's something new here. new in the sense that he's never seen it before, that is—it doesn't really look new. kind of the opposite, actually. but despite the less-than-attractive storefront, there sure is a lot of shiny, expensive-looking jewelry on display.
it... really doesn't make much sense, does it? he comes to a stop close by, but not close enough to be heckled by anyone inside. lord forbid. ]
What the hell is this?
[ it's not like Erwin would know, but... well, he does seem to know everything sometimes, so maybe he would? ]
[ erwin isn't as enamored with snow as levi is, but he's not against it. still, he's definitely humoring levi going on this walk, though that's a bit misleading because he's plenty happy to do it simply because he gets to be close to levi for the duration of it.
plus he likes seeing levi enjoy things.
his arm is settled across the small of levi's back as they walk, companionable and a little proprietary, though his attention turns to the storefront when levi points it out.
he frowns, not answering for a moment, just taking in the sight and the displays and shaking his head. ]
I don't think we've been holed up at home long enough to have missed such an established storefront.
[ even though he's not exactly walking around grinning like a weirdo, there's something about Erwin keeping his hand on his back as they walk like this that makes him immensely happy. and even if it is on the proprietary side, that's completely fine by him. he does belong to Erwin. he chose to be. ]
Magic?
[ even after all the time he's spent here, it still sounds stupid. he knows it exists (here, anyway), but it somehow still sounds dumb coming out of his mouth. he shrugs in deference, gesturing toward the storefront. he'll follow, as usual. ]
Didn't think you were a jewelry guy, but whatever makes you happy I guess.
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breaking this inbox in with some blatant manpain (1/11 i guess???)
not two or three hours a night, not sitting up in a fucking chair, just. sleeping. like, in a bed. through the night, mostly. with the only person he'd ever want to share a bed with (and he's not even cold yet!). it's a welcome change, to say the very least. he's sleeping better than he's ever slept in his life.
...most nights, anyway. tonight, not so much.
he had fallen asleep a little while ago, curled up like always with Erwin in his bed that really isn't suited for two people but it's fine because he's tiny so whatever, don't worry about it. he wakes up briefly a couple of times feeling strangely uneasy for some reason he can't quite nail down, but managing to fall asleep again anyway. the third time, as soon as he's awake again, he can tell he's not going to be so lucky.
something feels wrong. really, really wrong.
it hasn't been that long since the last time he made a trip over to the looking glass house—the last time he thought he'd have to, considering he finally found Erwin there. this is different, though. this isn't a conscious decision to go there every day to look for someone. it's more of a physical need, like if he doesn't go over there right now, in the middle of the night, alone, something terrible will happen.
but it kind of feels like something terrible will happen either way.
so as much as he'd like to ignore it and stay in bed, he carefully untangles himself from Erwin without waking him and gets up, bundling up to go back to that place again in the bitter cold. he can't even think about how stupid it is because it feels so much like dread that he can't push it down. so he heads for the looking glass house for like the hundredth time, making quick time because he feels like he needs to (and because it's fucking cold).
he hasn't paid any real attention to his own mirror since arriving back here half a year ago, even when he was visiting this room every day. it wasn't about him, after all. he was waiting for Erwin. there was nothing else to look at. but he realized on the way here that this was probably something for him this time. it had to be. it's never happened before, but he's heard that sometimes someone will return here and end up leaving with new memories.
it's going to be bad. the way that he's feeling, there's no way it's anything but bad.
he doesn't really want to look at his own mirror, but the sooner he does, the sooner he can go home. he might as well get it over with. so, despite this weirdly-heavy apprehension, he finally does.
what comes next feels like both a split second and an eternity somehow. in an instant, it's already over, and yet when it is over, he feels exhausted—it's the first thing he feels, before his brain has a chance to catch up. it's an entire year of memories, so it takes a moment to process before it hits him.
but when it does hit him, it hits hard. harder than anything he's ever sustained in his life, physical or otherwise. he goes from gazing warily into his mirror to staring in horror in the span of only a few seconds. he's stepping back before he even realizes it, wanting to put all the distance in the world between himself and his mirror, but freezing in spite of himself. he never wants to look at it again. he wants to yank it off the wall and shatter it and not even clean it up.
it feels like his heart stopped. in a way, it has. and anyone unlucky enough to be bonded to him will probably feel much the same.
it's not a feeling he would ever wish on anyone, least of all the man he loves—assuming Erwin's not already gone. ]
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a lucky break.
or not, considering what happens next.
it's the jarring mood shift that wakes erwin with a start because thus far their connection has only been pleasant, but now there's dread and anguish and for a moment it's like he can't even breathe. for a moment he thinks levi's near and he can figure it out right away, but his gaze settles on the empty spot next to him and he's up in a second, pulling on his clothes and his coat and going outside.
one of the perks of being so closely attuned is that after the moment of startled confusion he knows where to find levi because the pull lessens with each step closer to him he takes. he steps outside and it guides him toward the looking glass house, which makes him further question it--it's never come up in conversation what happens there when people gain new memories, so he doesn't understand why levi would be there.
still, he's quick about it, hurrying to try and get to him as soon as possible.
(a part of him dreads what he'll find.) ]
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it's entirely possible it will never come back.
needless to say, Erwin makes much better time than he does, which keeps them from meeting somewhere in the middle. he doesn't even make it very far from the looking glass house before Erwin catches up to him. that is Erwin, right? his vision is a little blurry.
another wave of grief hits him when he sees him, and he just stops. it's too much. but at the same time, it might be all Erwin needs to know. ]
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when levi stops like that, he understands.
he understands and he takes a shaking breath, closing the rest of the distance to curl his arm around him and hold him close, fingers curling in the back of his coat.
he leans down, voice soft but tight like he's struggling to keep it even. ]
I'm sorry.
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his voice is similarly quiet and not exactly even. ]
Why didn't you tell me?
[ if he was in his right mind, he wouldn't even ask. he always defaults to the assumption that Erwin knows best about pretty much everything, so if he didn't tell him, it had to be for good reason. unfortunately, he's not capable of that much reasoning right now, so it comes out anyway.
he doesn't really expect an answer. ]
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he shakes his head at the question, quiet a long moment afterward. he wants to answer, but he can't possibly explain in a way that makes sense.
finally, he manages: ]
It was better for you when you didn't know.
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he's quiet for a long time, too. he doesn't even move. when he finally does speak again his voice is even softer, almost like he's hoping no one will hear what he's about to say. ]
It was me.
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You did what needed to be done. You made the same choice I would have made.
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No. That wasn't it at all.
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No?
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I couldn't let you suffer anymore.
[ it seems complicated, but in reality it's not complicated at all. what was best for Erwin took priority over what was best for the rest of the world. he'd make the same choice every time. ]
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If you think I'm going to fault you for that, you're wrong. I was... blinded. It would only have gotten worse. Having had to let go of it... Here, my vision is clear.
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...That's not really it, either.
[ it's getting even more difficult to maintain eye contact. he doesn't want to cry, but his body does. he's not sure how much longer he can keep it back. ]
Our world didn't deserve you. I wasn't going to let it hurt you anymore.
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he doesn't know what to do for once in his life. ]
Levi... All you ever did was think of me.
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he's not crying if no one sees it, right? ]
Because you were everything to me.
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when he speaks, it's a murmur. ]
I'm here now.
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he still doesn't have it in him to look Erwin in the eyes again. not yet. ]
It's cold. Let's go home.
[ he never wants to be in the looking glass house ever again. ]
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It is cold. We'll go back to bed.
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I can't imagine I'll be sleeping anytime soon.
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[ back to the house they go, and once they get there he urges levi inside.
once they're in their room, he leans down to kiss him. the move is measured, but careful. ]
Whatever you need.
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Just you.
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[ he murmurs before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then just aside one eye, then his forehead, then at his jaw before returning to his mouth. ]
I'm here, Levi.
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something something choose whatever you'll regret the least.
so he kisses him back, hands still cradling his face, and for once in his life he lets himself cry. ]
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(for now.)
it's a surreal feeling, and not entirely in a good way. but it's like relishing Erwin being here right now is the only thing that's going to keep either of them alive. ]
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I love you. I'm here.
[ he's not going to stop comforting him—what kind of monster (hah) would he be if he did? no, he's going to smooth his hand up and down his back, wishing (for once) that he had another to hold him with. ]
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and now he never wants to go home.
he chokes up a little when Erwin tells him he loves him, but he doesn't hesitate to respond. ]
I love you, too.
[ his arms wrap around him tightly, like he's afraid someone is going to come drag him away forever. ]
I'm sorry.
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erwin shakes his head, pressing his face into the crown of levi's head for a long moment before he says anything at all.
finally: ]
You have nothing to be sorry for.
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it comes out muffled, though, with his face still buried in Erwin's shoulder. ]
I never told you.
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[ he strokes his hair carefully, leaning into him. it's... intimate, and purposeful. he's trying to ground levi in this moment and not the ones he's coming away from. ]
You didn't need to tell me for me to know how much you care.
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[ even he knows that's a dead end, so he just trails off. it's hard to put a sentence together right now, let alone one that makes any sense.
he finally looks back up at Erwin when he can't come up with anything to say. he's not actively crying, but his eyes are pretty red. he probably looks like shit. Erwin looks the same as always, though—beautiful? put together? all of the above?
alive. something he wouldn't have expected to ever see again. ]
I'm going to make sure you know. Every single day.
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as it is, he just nods and presses his forehead against levi's. it's grounding, and he closes his eyes with an exhale. ]
Good. I'm going to make sure you know as well. Always.
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this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
You should sleep.
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and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
Lay with me, Levi.
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he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
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There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
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it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
I went back for you.
[muffled single ladies playing in the distance] (2/2?? sure that works)
yeah. needless to say, Levi is still pretty enchanted by it.
which might be the reason they left the warmth of home behind for a walk through the shopping district, even though it's quite cold and, yes, snowing. he's not really sure if Erwin agreed to it because it sounded legitimately appealing or if it was more along the lines of humoring him; sometimes it's hard to tell what's going on in that remarkable brain of his, even if they are psychically bonded. or whatever.
anyway, while they may not be frequent visitors to this part of the city by any means, it's still noticeable that there's something new here. new in the sense that he's never seen it before, that is—it doesn't really look new. kind of the opposite, actually. but despite the less-than-attractive storefront, there sure is a lot of shiny, expensive-looking jewelry on display.
it... really doesn't make much sense, does it? he comes to a stop close by, but not close enough to be heckled by anyone inside. lord forbid. ]
What the hell is this?
[ it's not like Erwin would know, but... well, he does seem to know everything sometimes, so maybe he would? ]
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plus he likes seeing levi enjoy things.
his arm is settled across the small of levi's back as they walk, companionable and a little proprietary, though his attention turns to the storefront when levi points it out.
he frowns, not answering for a moment, just taking in the sight and the displays and shaking his head. ]
I don't think we've been holed up at home long enough to have missed such an established storefront.
[ he hums, thoughtful, then: ]
Do you want to take a look? Could be magic.
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Magic?
[ even after all the time he's spent here, it still sounds stupid. he knows it exists (here, anyway), but it somehow still sounds dumb coming out of his mouth. he shrugs in deference, gesturing toward the storefront. he'll follow, as usual. ]
Didn't think you were a jewelry guy, but whatever makes you happy I guess.