[ his face softens, just a little. he doesn't break eye contact though, hand palming at his nape in an attempt at soothing him. he always knows what to say, but nothing prepared him for this.
he doesn't know what to do for once in his life. ]
[ yyyeah, he can't do it anymore. his head drops back to where it was before, with his face pressed into Erwin's chest, and his arms finally move up to cling to the front of his coat.
[ his arm comes around to hold onto him utterly, head tipping down into his hair and eyes closing. he's not crying, but it's a near thing for him as well.
[ he stays right there for a long time, silent other than the occasional rogue sniff that gets through in spite of his best efforts to keep it together. eventually he straightens and very quickly wipes his face with a coat sleeve, as if it wouldn't be obvious even to someone much less intelligent than Erwin what he'd been doing.
he still doesn't have it in him to look Erwin in the eyes again. not yet. ]
It's cold. Let's go home.
[ he never wants to be in the looking glass house ever again. ]
[ it's... well, it's not erwin's place to point out levi was crying when he so clearly wants to keep it under wraps. instead he turns back toward where home is, pressing his hand to the small of levi's back to guide him by touch. ]
[ it's all he can do to just nod and lean closer into Erwin for the walk back. who knows how long it would have taken him to get back home if he was doing it alone. ]
[ he doesn't let Erwin pull back very far, reaching up with both hands to hold his face while it's still close to his own. for now, he seems to have masked most of the evidence that he'd been crying, but when he speaks his voice is unsteady and barely above a whisper. ]
[ he murmurs before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then just aside one eye, then his forehead, then at his jaw before returning to his mouth. ]
[ as much as he'd kind of like to never have to make a decision ever again after everything he saw tonight, he's once again faced with a choice. between the near-suffocating grief he feels and Erwin's genuine warmth and sincerity that he also feels, he's overwhelmed. there are going to be tears no matter what he does. he can hide his face again to keep Erwin from seeing, but that would mean he can't kiss him, either. and as incapable of critical thinking as he is right now, he's at least able to recognize that Erwin will know either way. so what's the point in trying to hide it anymore?
something something choose whatever you'll regret the least.
so he kisses him back, hands still cradling his face, and for once in his life he lets himself cry. ]
[ erwin isn't going to make commentary on levi crying. it'd be a breach of trust, honestly, and he can't say he wouldn't cry if their positions were reversed. so he just closes his eyes and lets the kiss continue, a slow and gentle thing as his hand drops to press to the center of his back, just holding him against his body, a tangible reminder that he's not going anywhere. ]
[ it's exactly the kind of reminder he needs. actually, he wants as many reminders as possible that Erwin's really there with him, so he presses himself closer still, hands sliding down to the sides of his neck, somewhere he can feel a pulse.
(for now.)
it's a surreal feeling, and not entirely in a good way. but it's like relishing Erwin being here right now is the only thing that's going to keep either of them alive. ]
[ when he finally breaks the kiss, he leans in to murmur against his ear, quiet but firm. ]
I love you. I'm here.
[ he's not going to stop comforting him—what kind of monster (hah) would he be if he did? no, he's going to smooth his hand up and down his back, wishing (for once) that he had another to hold him with. ]
[ somehow, he never finds himself wishing selfishly that Erwin still had both arms, as much as he would love to feel both of them around him. for Erwin's own sake, sure, but even before tonight, he's considered himself incredibly lucky to have him at all.
and now he never wants to go home.
he chokes up a little when Erwin tells him he loves him, but he doesn't hesitate to respond. ]
I love you, too.
[ his arms wrap around him tightly, like he's afraid someone is going to come drag him away forever. ]
[ he's tired now. he's gone through a lot of emotions one after the other, and he's sure it's even worse for levi. he knows exactly what levi is thinking about not wanting to go home, too. of course he is.
erwin shakes his head, pressing his face into the crown of levi's head for a long moment before he says anything at all.
[ Erwin says that, but he feels like there are a lot of things he should apologize for. most of them he won't, because Erwin wouldn't accept them anyway, but one thing is at the front of his mind that he can't just not acknowledge.
it comes out muffled, though, with his face still buried in Erwin's shoulder. ]
[ he strokes his hair carefully, leaning into him. it's... intimate, and purposeful. he's trying to ground levi in this moment and not the ones he's coming away from. ]
You didn't need to tell me for me to know how much you care.
Because you're good at that. Reading people. If you weren't...
[ even he knows that's a dead end, so he just trails off. it's hard to put a sentence together right now, let alone one that makes any sense.
he finally looks back up at Erwin when he can't come up with anything to say. he's not actively crying, but his eyes are pretty red. he probably looks like shit. Erwin looks the same as always, though—beautiful? put together? all of the above?
alive. something he wouldn't have expected to ever see again. ]
I'm going to make sure you know. Every single day.
[ levi only thinks erwin is put together because he himself is such a mess. erwin is frazzled and grasping at straws trying to help levi calm down, but he's just trying his best not to show it. if he keeps his cool, levi can possibly follow suit once the shock and anguish wear off.
as it is, he just nods and presses his forehead against levi's. it's grounding, and he closes his eyes with an exhale. ]
Good. I'm going to make sure you know as well. Always.
[ deep down, he knows Erwin is probably not doing as well as it seems. that's just how he is, for one thing. not only that, but he knows that if their roles were reversed, he'd be absolutely losing it trying to comfort Erwin, too. it's a nightmare on both sides.
this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
[ levi is right. erwin is reeling: a part of him genuinely expected levi to be angry with him for not telling him, but that's just proof that even erwin can be stupid sometimes.
and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
[ sounds like a plan. even better if Erwin can actually fall back asleep. he won't, he's sure—most likely, he'll just be watching Erwin, trying to drive into his mind that he is still here, right beside him.
he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
[ erwin watches this quietly and more than anything wishes they'd never had to do this. it was... easier, when levi didn't know, though he does feel guilt encroaching because he was keeping it from him. still, better than this... levi simultaneously distraught and listless is painful to watch, and erwin shrugs off his coat and toes off his shoes before laying down with levi, curling over him and wrapping his arm around him carefully. ]
There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
[ he still doesn't say anything for quite awhile. what is there to say? nothing he could come up with would make this any better, but he could certainly make it worse, so instead he just burrows himself against Erwin, trying with all his might to turn his brain off.
it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
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he doesn't know what to do for once in his life. ]
Levi... All you ever did was think of me.
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he's not crying if no one sees it, right? ]
Because you were everything to me.
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when he speaks, it's a murmur. ]
I'm here now.
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he still doesn't have it in him to look Erwin in the eyes again. not yet. ]
It's cold. Let's go home.
[ he never wants to be in the looking glass house ever again. ]
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It is cold. We'll go back to bed.
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I can't imagine I'll be sleeping anytime soon.
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[ back to the house they go, and once they get there he urges levi inside.
once they're in their room, he leans down to kiss him. the move is measured, but careful. ]
Whatever you need.
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Just you.
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[ he murmurs before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then just aside one eye, then his forehead, then at his jaw before returning to his mouth. ]
I'm here, Levi.
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something something choose whatever you'll regret the least.
so he kisses him back, hands still cradling his face, and for once in his life he lets himself cry. ]
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(for now.)
it's a surreal feeling, and not entirely in a good way. but it's like relishing Erwin being here right now is the only thing that's going to keep either of them alive. ]
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I love you. I'm here.
[ he's not going to stop comforting him—what kind of monster (hah) would he be if he did? no, he's going to smooth his hand up and down his back, wishing (for once) that he had another to hold him with. ]
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and now he never wants to go home.
he chokes up a little when Erwin tells him he loves him, but he doesn't hesitate to respond. ]
I love you, too.
[ his arms wrap around him tightly, like he's afraid someone is going to come drag him away forever. ]
I'm sorry.
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erwin shakes his head, pressing his face into the crown of levi's head for a long moment before he says anything at all.
finally: ]
You have nothing to be sorry for.
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it comes out muffled, though, with his face still buried in Erwin's shoulder. ]
I never told you.
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[ he strokes his hair carefully, leaning into him. it's... intimate, and purposeful. he's trying to ground levi in this moment and not the ones he's coming away from. ]
You didn't need to tell me for me to know how much you care.
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[ even he knows that's a dead end, so he just trails off. it's hard to put a sentence together right now, let alone one that makes any sense.
he finally looks back up at Erwin when he can't come up with anything to say. he's not actively crying, but his eyes are pretty red. he probably looks like shit. Erwin looks the same as always, though—beautiful? put together? all of the above?
alive. something he wouldn't have expected to ever see again. ]
I'm going to make sure you know. Every single day.
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as it is, he just nods and presses his forehead against levi's. it's grounding, and he closes his eyes with an exhale. ]
Good. I'm going to make sure you know as well. Always.
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this isn't a new feeling, though. the shock may be new, but the grief definitely is not. he's only just remembered it along with everything else, but he's been grieving for what already feels like forever. it's hard for him to gauge just how much time passed between what he knew this morning and what he knows now, because everything after losing Erwin just felt... dull. it was like everything was suddenly in black and white after he was gone. it didn't matter. they made it to the basement Erwin dreamed of seeing, but it didn't matter. they saw the sea for the first time, but it didn't matter. not to him. not without Erwin.
there's a lot he'll want to talk about, but now's not the time. it's too raw. he has to consider himself lucky, as horrifying as this is, because the last time he felt this loss he really was alone. this time, for whatever insane reason, Erwin is still here.
he reaches up to hold Erwin's face in his hands, thumbs tracing the lines of his cheekbones. ]
You should sleep.
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and here levi is, full of grief, and the only thing erwin can do for him is be present. be present, and safe, and alive. not whole--he'll never truly be whole again--but close enough, cobbled together with levi filling all the places where he lacks.
he just stays like that a long time, using long fingers to thread through levi's hair habitually and just let him come down a little. if at all possible.
when levi speaks erwin hums in something almost like agreement, then just curls that arm around him to hold him close. ]
Lay with me, Levi.
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he nods slightly against Erwin's shoulder and then steps back to finally shrug off his coat and slip off his shoes. he doesn't even bother with the rest, choosing instead to just lie down as is, leaving as much room for Erwin as he can.
it's been a long night, and there's still more of it to get through. ]
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There. It's just us.
[ softly. he's not going to try and force levi to sleep, but at least they're together. ]
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it doesn't work, though. maybe it was stupid to think it could. more than anything else, he can't get the very last thing he remembers out of his mind. he sees it in his head and it makes it hard to even breathe.
he doesn't know if Erwin would even want to hear about it, but if he doesn't do something he's just going to wind up crying again. when he finally does speak up, his voice is quiet, and he sounds kind of hoarse. it's almost like he's been trying to choke everything down rather than let himself express emotion. ]
I went back for you.